The sermon this morning was titled "God is a God of beauty." His main points were God makes things to enjoy them; He's not just a utilitarian. Things, people have instrinic beauty, and are not just beautiful because someone says so (i.e. "beauty is in the eye of the beholder). This of course means... well, that I have intrinsic beauty...
I've been struggling lately with some concepts. Concepts like, you might actually like me as a person, or be attracted to my heart, or heaven forbid, enjoy me. You might not be spending time with me just because I'm useful to you or because you want to use me. Not everyone may have received the script to abuse me, reject me and abandon me. God has placed me in MI where people aren't doing this. People are trying to care for me on an entirely different level that has made me wish I had to move out of state yet again. It's only exposed that I don't know how to receive care. My friend CD tonight said this, "ur heart is the most beautiful thing about u.... ur an amazing person." My friend, BC said, "God created you that way... and in Christ your heart is perfect and pure." It's easy for me to dismiss this comments usually with thoughts like "it's all Him" and "I have no righteousness of my own." BC said, "it is... but He chose to give it to you." So if I have His... then I have some...which only sent me into a panicked state.
I realized that I've bought into the idea in the current evangelical church that says beauty is expendable, not needed to the point that frugality equals righteousness. I still have the mindset that I make 18K/yr... while I see money as merely a tool for God's kingdom and not just to acquire stuff, I think I've taken it too far. Not only have I tied in my own value (or beauty) into my worth I've now tied others worth to their usefulness, including stewardship of money, time, resources, gifts. I try to use "mine" to the fullest... but I never just enjoy beauty, because to enjoy something is to enjoy it at it's core, it's being, it's intrinsic value. I don't know if I can do that because I don't see my own intrinsic value.
Rev. 3:16 "So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth" has been coming up nearly daily since June 24th at the Rise Against concert. God has been showing me all the things I'm "lukewarm" about. I was thinking about my body, how I don't love it or hate it, it's just kinda there to help me do things. But J/CR pointed out tonight that we will have this body in Heaven, not a body we don't recognize... and everything we do here is preparing us for Heaven including what we do to our bodies. So, if I don't use my creativity here, then I won't be given creative tasks in Heaven; if I don't take care of my body here it will be reflected in Heaven. What we do here does matter. It's not all futile, but I've been living in part as if that were true. It's like gnosticism...
So, I'm not sure where these musings will lead me next, but I'm buckled in to find out.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Random & Sporadic
Warning: Many thoughts that don't connect.
1) I have 5 weddings to attend this year... wedding madness is in the air. Oh the sweet aroma. Stef and I reminisced today about how much we hated wedding planning and talking about all the "if's" of what we could do differently now. I'm hoping all my bride and grooms to be have an easier go at it then us :)
2) Two more friends have announced their pregnancy - and to my excitement, I was elated! I held my friend's newborn at the retreat and just loved it. And loved handing him back for a full night's sleep. God is good.
3) I got another email from a testimony listener today - it was incredibly thoughtful. I feel overwhelming encouragement. This makes my 9th email. I decided to create a gDoc to store all these emails and save them for future encouragement when I get down about my ministry.
4) While contemplating my testimony a couple weeks ago I stumbled across this quote from a friend (DM's) page and I'm still in awe by how it penetrates my soul:
"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them-words shrink things that seemed limitless in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. ……The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried....... And you make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear…."
5) Beth Moore says, "God hears the cry of the oppressed. He even hears the cries of those whose oppression is a result of sin and rebellion." My friend Jess said life is too short to feel sorry for yourself and that there's freedom in what God did. Indeed. I was really struck by the Heb word "aman" means to be firm, enduring, to trust. I asked myself how I had found Him to be faithful and trustworthy. His Word says He is, answers to prayer and that He tells me to trust Him when I'm struggling. Then I came across Hab 3:2: Lord, I have heard of your fame, I stand in awe of your deeds, O Lord. Renew them in our day, in our time make them known. (Which I think ties in nicely with my post from yesterday.)
6) There are only 6 weeks left in my semester - how did that happen? I need to write more!
7) I'm struggling with how to talk to a . . . person, acquaintance, casual friend. I'm feeling led to talk to him, but feeling he's totally uninteresting. And sense he feels the same way towards me. Maybe God will chose to use someone instead...
1) I have 5 weddings to attend this year... wedding madness is in the air. Oh the sweet aroma. Stef and I reminisced today about how much we hated wedding planning and talking about all the "if's" of what we could do differently now. I'm hoping all my bride and grooms to be have an easier go at it then us :)
2) Two more friends have announced their pregnancy - and to my excitement, I was elated! I held my friend's newborn at the retreat and just loved it. And loved handing him back for a full night's sleep. God is good.
3) I got another email from a testimony listener today - it was incredibly thoughtful. I feel overwhelming encouragement. This makes my 9th email. I decided to create a gDoc to store all these emails and save them for future encouragement when I get down about my ministry.
4) While contemplating my testimony a couple weeks ago I stumbled across this quote from a friend (DM's) page and I'm still in awe by how it penetrates my soul:
"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them-words shrink things that seemed limitless in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. ……The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried....... And you make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear…."
5) Beth Moore says, "God hears the cry of the oppressed. He even hears the cries of those whose oppression is a result of sin and rebellion." My friend Jess said life is too short to feel sorry for yourself and that there's freedom in what God did. Indeed. I was really struck by the Heb word "aman" means to be firm, enduring, to trust. I asked myself how I had found Him to be faithful and trustworthy. His Word says He is, answers to prayer and that He tells me to trust Him when I'm struggling. Then I came across Hab 3:2: Lord, I have heard of your fame, I stand in awe of your deeds, O Lord. Renew them in our day, in our time make them known. (Which I think ties in nicely with my post from yesterday.)
6) There are only 6 weeks left in my semester - how did that happen? I need to write more!
7) I'm struggling with how to talk to a . . . person, acquaintance, casual friend. I'm feeling led to talk to him, but feeling he's totally uninteresting. And sense he feels the same way towards me. Maybe God will chose to use someone instead...
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
2009 Knox Women's Retreat
So I attended the women's retreat with our church last weekend. I was on the planning committee, so I was pretty busy the whole time, but I'm glad I went. I walked away with a few thoughts I wanting to share, some questions to ponder and of course, some God moments...
Friday night was interesting in that I got there, all settled in, and it wasn't really hectic. I realized that I hadn't really thought about the fact that I was there to spend some alone time with God. I had been so busy writing 2 papers, taking a mid-term in Trinitarianism and taking a quiz that I hadn't mentally prepared to be there. I started talking with my friend Deb at the registration table as we were getting the ladies checked in and settled. I realized how much I enjoy working with the women at Knox and how much I love serving these women. Annherst spoke that night about Christian friendships and community. I had to laugh because I kept thinking that she was saying everything that I always say! It was great to be reaffirmed about intentional, transparent relationships. We ended the session and I had organized a spa night for the ladies. My massage therapist friend came and gave 10 minute massages, and I had a hand and nail stations set up for them to dip, scrub and rub and then I painted their nails. It went over so well. (Ya know you don't hear about men doing a spa night at their retreats!) Then Jenny and I had an amazing chat at the hot tub awaiting our call from Andy and Laura - as he was proposing. So my best friend got engaged... so stoked!!
Saturday I was awoken way to early... and of course, that means like before 10am :) It was indeed 8am. Diane spoke in the morn from John 15. There's an intimacy in John's Gospel - an intimacy He wants with us, so much, that He gave us His word, and asked us to abide in Him. When you see a vineyard you can be surprised how much has to be lobbed off in order for the vine to bear fruit the next season. We can be lobbed in actions, words or in our heart. But abiding doesn't mean that we're busy bearing fruit all the time, because by root, abiding happens in Him and is more of a static word. And when the roots are the most deep are when Jesus needs to uproot us the most. (No wonder I had to live in three states in one year...) Abiding is more about patience, steadfastness and perseverance. By acting like shriveled branches we are depriving ourselves of the most deep love that's offered in Christ. We will be amazed at the fruit on the branches. Take the promises off the shelf and start believing in what He can do and then ask Him for them.
We had personal quiet time... which was most interesting. I basically realized that I need to be expecting more from Him... more on this later. We broke up into discussion groups and I decided if the group I was leading had a lull I would ask them this additional question: What have you been avoiding that God is calling you to do and what steps can you make towards obedience as you leave the retreat? There was indeed a lull, and I got some interesting responses to my question. I saw a theme in my group - women not believing that we are told that we will do greater things than He. The evening testimony had me tears. Eileen spoke of living in a foreign land for 13 yrs and touched my heart with her statement about how you can be so lonely in a crowd of people. Her heart for community and people is not unlike mine. I realized that I too find myself with that feeling often... perhaps because I don't allow others to minister to me in the way I insist on ministering to them. Sufficed to say, an amazing intercessory prayer time and more awesome convos later - it was bed time.
Sunday's talk was good. But I was still mulling over the thoughts from the night before. I've been contemplating the following since my return...
How much of my ministry am I trying to do in the Flesh instead of in Him? Are Jesus' words penetrating me to the point of wanting to ask Him for things?
Friday night was interesting in that I got there, all settled in, and it wasn't really hectic. I realized that I hadn't really thought about the fact that I was there to spend some alone time with God. I had been so busy writing 2 papers, taking a mid-term in Trinitarianism and taking a quiz that I hadn't mentally prepared to be there. I started talking with my friend Deb at the registration table as we were getting the ladies checked in and settled. I realized how much I enjoy working with the women at Knox and how much I love serving these women. Annherst spoke that night about Christian friendships and community. I had to laugh because I kept thinking that she was saying everything that I always say! It was great to be reaffirmed about intentional, transparent relationships. We ended the session and I had organized a spa night for the ladies. My massage therapist friend came and gave 10 minute massages, and I had a hand and nail stations set up for them to dip, scrub and rub and then I painted their nails. It went over so well. (Ya know you don't hear about men doing a spa night at their retreats!) Then Jenny and I had an amazing chat at the hot tub awaiting our call from Andy and Laura - as he was proposing. So my best friend got engaged... so stoked!!
Saturday I was awoken way to early... and of course, that means like before 10am :) It was indeed 8am. Diane spoke in the morn from John 15. There's an intimacy in John's Gospel - an intimacy He wants with us, so much, that He gave us His word, and asked us to abide in Him. When you see a vineyard you can be surprised how much has to be lobbed off in order for the vine to bear fruit the next season. We can be lobbed in actions, words or in our heart. But abiding doesn't mean that we're busy bearing fruit all the time, because by root, abiding happens in Him and is more of a static word. And when the roots are the most deep are when Jesus needs to uproot us the most. (No wonder I had to live in three states in one year...) Abiding is more about patience, steadfastness and perseverance. By acting like shriveled branches we are depriving ourselves of the most deep love that's offered in Christ. We will be amazed at the fruit on the branches. Take the promises off the shelf and start believing in what He can do and then ask Him for them.
We had personal quiet time... which was most interesting. I basically realized that I need to be expecting more from Him... more on this later. We broke up into discussion groups and I decided if the group I was leading had a lull I would ask them this additional question: What have you been avoiding that God is calling you to do and what steps can you make towards obedience as you leave the retreat? There was indeed a lull, and I got some interesting responses to my question. I saw a theme in my group - women not believing that we are told that we will do greater things than He. The evening testimony had me tears. Eileen spoke of living in a foreign land for 13 yrs and touched my heart with her statement about how you can be so lonely in a crowd of people. Her heart for community and people is not unlike mine. I realized that I too find myself with that feeling often... perhaps because I don't allow others to minister to me in the way I insist on ministering to them. Sufficed to say, an amazing intercessory prayer time and more awesome convos later - it was bed time.
Sunday's talk was good. But I was still mulling over the thoughts from the night before. I've been contemplating the following since my return...
How much of my ministry am I trying to do in the Flesh instead of in Him? Are Jesus' words penetrating me to the point of wanting to ask Him for things?
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
GISF = God is so fun!!!
God is so good to me... I shared my testimony at church a little over a week ago now. My small group and prayer warriors have been praying about it for nearly three months and then it was here! I couldn't believe how surreal it was to be that open in front of that many people. Jenn had a crazy week so we couldn't really process like we usually do because we were processing only her craziness... and everyone seemed tied up! It was wild. Jenn said as I was getting ready to head to church that maybe I wasn't supposed to think about it too much, but just let Holy Spirit lead it and do it. So that's what happened and WOW! It was so fruitful just as God said it would be! We had 10 people come up for prayer and countless women came to share how my story had touched them! Yay God! I've even had people following up with me the last two Sundays after church talking to me about it. It's simply incredible! I pray God continues to use me and my story for His kingdom!!!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Preggo?! What else is new...
OK... so I always told myself I would never become one of those bitter women who no longer lept for joy at the news of her friends announcing their pregnancy. How selfish I thought they sounded. Of course, logically, I realize God's in control, having a baby right now would be hideous timing, and not to mention extremely costly to my school and home life. But there's nothing rational about having a baby...
Since December 2007 we've perpetually had 12 friends pregnant. As soon as one gives birth, another friend pops up within a week to announce her news. We even had one friend miscarry and still had a 'replacement.' Sigh. We had friends tell us today they are expecting. And I didn't jump up and down, start clapping, or spring to the phone to squeal my excitement. And then it hit me - I've become one of THEM! Oh my. I don't know how this happened. When I stopped believing in my heart and only with my head. But I'm praying this too will pass and I can be filled with joy for the new blessing that will be entering our lives.
Since December 2007 we've perpetually had 12 friends pregnant. As soon as one gives birth, another friend pops up within a week to announce her news. We even had one friend miscarry and still had a 'replacement.' Sigh. We had friends tell us today they are expecting. And I didn't jump up and down, start clapping, or spring to the phone to squeal my excitement. And then it hit me - I've become one of THEM! Oh my. I don't know how this happened. When I stopped believing in my heart and only with my head. But I'm praying this too will pass and I can be filled with joy for the new blessing that will be entering our lives.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
A Test For Your Salvation
So there's this song called, "Who Can Pluck Us" by this Christian rapper guy named Flame (that I keep wanting to call Flash). Rap usually isn't my genre of choice, but being with Shaun for nearly 11 yrs can wear a girl down to appreciate some of almost anything. So during the song he starts rattling off a list of ways to know if you're saved. I found this list very intriguing and goes as follows:
Do you enjoy fellowship with God?
Are you sensitive to sin?
Do you obey God’s Word?
Do you reject the evil world?
Do you eagerly await Christ’s return?
Do you see a decrease pattern of sin in your life?
Do you love other Christians?
Do you experience answered prayer?
Do you discern between truth and error?
Do you have the witness of the spirit?
Are you rejected or persecuted for your Faith?
Just a lil taste for your salvation man
Read the whole book of 1 John
So...how do you fair on the answers to this list?
Do you enjoy fellowship with God?
Are you sensitive to sin?
Do you obey God’s Word?
Do you reject the evil world?
Do you eagerly await Christ’s return?
Do you see a decrease pattern of sin in your life?
Do you love other Christians?
Do you experience answered prayer?
Do you discern between truth and error?
Do you have the witness of the spirit?
Are you rejected or persecuted for your Faith?
Just a lil taste for your salvation man
Read the whole book of 1 John
So...how do you fair on the answers to this list?
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Reflections on 2008
It's the beginning of 2009 and it doesn't seem possible. I'm realizing a lot has happened in the last year and have decided it's worth archiving. The year began with over a foot of snow in our new hometown and state of Ann Arbor, MI. We quickly began to like to the city, but dislike the weather. We found lots to do, and plenty of places to eat. The church search started off slowly, but we were settled by the end of Feb at Knox. We began serving right away and got involved in a small group, and I joined 2 womens Bible studies and a prayer group. The southern hospitality was severely lacking and we began taking great pangs to bring some of that to the great white north.
We started making some good friends and were traveling all over the place. First I went to Lafayette to help a friend with their new baby while Shaun went to Houston. Then he went to Berkeley, then I went to Lakeland, then he went to Nashville. Aug was a big with both of us going to Glen Lake and Italy. Then we met up with friends in Chicago, then I went to Lynchburg while Shaun was in Germany. Then we went to Lafayette for my great uncle's funeral. (Where I realized I hadn't mourned the loss of my great aunt who died the month prior...) Then we went to Knoxville and then back to Lafayette and Indy and back again. Whew.
Meanwhile, our old friends from Purdue, along with some new ones joined us in the Mitten. God began to do mighty works in all our lives and our small group grew closer. I had more epiphanies this year than ever before. I shared my testimony twice and have been asked to share it at a womens event in Feb at Knox. I started grad school at a Seminary and finally felt for the 1st time, maybe ever, that I had real purpose and didn't want to die. I also started appreciating how great we had it in Knoxville, and how times like that don't always come as easily.
It was a great year. God taught me so many things I hope I can remember them. I have started compiling and typing out the epiphanies so hopefully that will help. The theme for 2008 was, "Get out of your comfort zone." I think I fulfilled this one to the max!
We started making some good friends and were traveling all over the place. First I went to Lafayette to help a friend with their new baby while Shaun went to Houston. Then he went to Berkeley, then I went to Lakeland, then he went to Nashville. Aug was a big with both of us going to Glen Lake and Italy. Then we met up with friends in Chicago, then I went to Lynchburg while Shaun was in Germany. Then we went to Lafayette for my great uncle's funeral. (Where I realized I hadn't mourned the loss of my great aunt who died the month prior...) Then we went to Knoxville and then back to Lafayette and Indy and back again. Whew.
Meanwhile, our old friends from Purdue, along with some new ones joined us in the Mitten. God began to do mighty works in all our lives and our small group grew closer. I had more epiphanies this year than ever before. I shared my testimony twice and have been asked to share it at a womens event in Feb at Knox. I started grad school at a Seminary and finally felt for the 1st time, maybe ever, that I had real purpose and didn't want to die. I also started appreciating how great we had it in Knoxville, and how times like that don't always come as easily.
It was a great year. God taught me so many things I hope I can remember them. I have started compiling and typing out the epiphanies so hopefully that will help. The theme for 2008 was, "Get out of your comfort zone." I think I fulfilled this one to the max!
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Deep in Thought
Ever felt so insignificant that you start to wonder why you bother thinking at all??? Well... I'm there today. Have been feeling a little... off, for awhile now. Tried many things to get back to a state of normalcy. Some work temporarily, but inevitably I find myself back here. My small group finished studying the book of Daniel tonight. We were in chapter 12, technically, but found ourselves in all sorts of places during our discussion. We were trying to figure out the differences b/w Pre, Post, and A-Millinialist and Pre and Post-Tribulationists while trying to figure out which camp we are in. We looked up many passages concerning eschatology. All this only to come to the conclusion that Jesus told Daniel... it's sealed up, not for you to know, and even the angels don't know, but be encouraged, because you have treasurers stored up in heaven. Great. So why don't I feel encouraged? Have a mentioned that I feel like I'm going to be a horrible counselor? If I can't even figure out my own stuff, how can I help others. Obviously the answer is the Spirit and the Word, but you know what I mean. I keep thinking about what John said... that there will be many spiritual battles while attending seminary. Alas.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Too many opportunities and not enough time...
OK, so I've been asked to do the following... you may see a pattern emerge.
1) Serve on the Women's Leadership Committee to do publicity and plan a retreat.
2) Create, organize and lead an international students ministry at our church.
3) Help team-lead a Bible study at a local nursing home.
4) Serve on the newcomers committee at church.
5) Lead Covenant Couples Group that has monthly events.
These of course are in addition to babysitting ~20hrs/wk, Gran-sitting 6hrs/wk, 15 credit hours of school, small group, a prayer group, leading another small group and two women's Bible studies. Oh yeah, and continue to cultivate and maintain meaningful relationship with friends in multiple states while maintaining a healthy marriage and getting good grades. Yeah right.
So one could say I'm over it. Ready to just say no to everyone and everything and retreat with a cup of tea and one of the many books 'in que.' (Because the recommended reading list for psychology classes is more work than the classes themselves.) But the other part of me could say yes I would love to help out any way I can. I don't need sleep - overrated. But Shaun said that he thinks I have been doing too much for the past 3 yrs and need to settle down. So if you have any thoughts on what exactly I should be doing . . . let's just say, I'll take it under advisement when I get back from having my retreat.
1) Serve on the Women's Leadership Committee to do publicity and plan a retreat.
2) Create, organize and lead an international students ministry at our church.
3) Help team-lead a Bible study at a local nursing home.
4) Serve on the newcomers committee at church.
5) Lead Covenant Couples Group that has monthly events.
These of course are in addition to babysitting ~20hrs/wk, Gran-sitting 6hrs/wk, 15 credit hours of school, small group, a prayer group, leading another small group and two women's Bible studies. Oh yeah, and continue to cultivate and maintain meaningful relationship with friends in multiple states while maintaining a healthy marriage and getting good grades. Yeah right.
So one could say I'm over it. Ready to just say no to everyone and everything and retreat with a cup of tea and one of the many books 'in que.' (Because the recommended reading list for psychology classes is more work than the classes themselves.) But the other part of me could say yes I would love to help out any way I can. I don't need sleep - overrated. But Shaun said that he thinks I have been doing too much for the past 3 yrs and need to settle down. So if you have any thoughts on what exactly I should be doing . . . let's just say, I'll take it under advisement when I get back from having my retreat.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Community
An interesting word . . . and concept. I like to define it as true connection, accountability, authenticity and vulnerability with real people. This is something I have had a taste of and have been trying to get again ever since. And I think it's finally happening for me. This week alone we have connected with many people, and actually had deep conversations. It's been a great week, yet a tiring one. Oh, and it's only Wed! But I'm so thankful for the body of believers I've met in A2 and how they are challenging me to think and grow. I'm thankful for the community I have in towns where I once lived and how I've been reconnecting with you all this week too. God has created us as relational beings - while frustrating at times, I'm glad about this too. Because without these friends, I would truly be lost at sea...
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
God is good
Went on a field trip with my prayer group last night to the Healing Rooms. I went in expecting one thing and God provided me with something more abundant. And I couldn't have asked for a better group of women to share in my experience! I have felt refreshed today and as if a heavy burden has been lifted off me from the last three weeks of battle. Oh how amazing is His love! I also found out last night that this revival I have been hearing about in FL is in Lakeland, FL! That's where Stef & Josh are moving and where I'll be in just under two weeks! I'm so excited to get a chance to attend the revival there. And I'm sure that's not a coincidence! If only this feeling could last forever... well, while on earth :)
Monday, June 16, 2008
Busy, Busy Weekend
My weekend really began on Friday. We drove to Lawton, MI and visited with our dear friends Tom & Sherry from Knoxville. It was so great to see them and spend time out on the lake. It started out as a beautiful afternoon and then the rain came. But we still had a great time catching up and taking lots of pictures!
Saturday I presented my final project for Marriage & Family Dynamics in the morning. I think it went fairly well. Then I worked with 'Gran' the rest of the afternoon and into the evening. Then we went to Top of the Park with Laura. 'Top' as it is commonly referred to is a annual 3 week festival downtown. There is live music and movies. It's actually a very cool thing they do.
Sunday we had church and small group. I really do love my small group :)
So I have spent today recovering from all the bustle and am headed to the Healing Rooms tonight with my prayer group. I'm really excited about it and look forward to sharing about my experience there!
Saturday I presented my final project for Marriage & Family Dynamics in the morning. I think it went fairly well. Then I worked with 'Gran' the rest of the afternoon and into the evening. Then we went to Top of the Park with Laura. 'Top' as it is commonly referred to is a annual 3 week festival downtown. There is live music and movies. It's actually a very cool thing they do.
Sunday we had church and small group. I really do love my small group :)
So I have spent today recovering from all the bustle and am headed to the Healing Rooms tonight with my prayer group. I'm really excited about it and look forward to sharing about my experience there!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
I'm a Seminarian
I have been pondering this title this week. A seminary student. Yes that's me now; a part of who I am. As I have been working through some things this week it seems in some ways things don't add up. My past, my present. But then again, Jesus doesn't call us a "new creation" for nothing. When I tell people I'm going to seminary, their eyes get wide and they raise their eyebrows while saying, "oh . . ." followed by a variety of remarks from: that's nice, how exciting, I would've never guessed. I don't really know what to do with the latter answer other than say, Yes Jesus works in mysterious ways.
I've almost completed my 1st semester as a seminarian. I've really enjoyed my classes so far and have been starting to think about what my practice will look like. My Marriage & Family Dynamics professor is always asking us what we will specialize in and until today I wasn't really sure. For that class we had to come up with a proposal for problem we see in the church. Being the over-achiever that I am ;) I chose Sexual Addiction in Women. A very interesting, yet under-rated topic in today's churches. My research today suggests that it's just as prevalent in women as it is in men, yet there are not many resources available for women seeking purity. After completing my project a moment ago I'm thinking that this could be an area I could specialize in. Just indeed - Christ works in mysterious ways.
I've almost completed my 1st semester as a seminarian. I've really enjoyed my classes so far and have been starting to think about what my practice will look like. My Marriage & Family Dynamics professor is always asking us what we will specialize in and until today I wasn't really sure. For that class we had to come up with a proposal for problem we see in the church. Being the over-achiever that I am ;) I chose Sexual Addiction in Women. A very interesting, yet under-rated topic in today's churches. My research today suggests that it's just as prevalent in women as it is in men, yet there are not many resources available for women seeking purity. After completing my project a moment ago I'm thinking that this could be an area I could specialize in. Just indeed - Christ works in mysterious ways.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
A piece of my heart
I had a realization this morning. Kind of strange, kind of not. I realized that I had given my friend a piece of my heart. I guess this only seems weird as we haven't known each other that long, but then again we don't have long on this earth. I think of that often. How fast life seems to pass me by. Hours are suddenly days that are suddenly weeks. It's June already. I can't believe it. I was looking an email from school and it says I have a deadline of July 1st. No problem I thought - oh wait, that's like soon! Drat. And old people are always telling you to enjoy whatever stage you're in now because before you know it, it's gone. I started grad school last month. As I sat in my 1st class of the Spring semester I realized that I had not been in school, taken a test or gotten a grade in five years! What?!? I don't even know where to begin to tell you how quickly the last five years went. So, in lieu of all this, I'm trying to connect most deeply and quickly as I know how, trying to savor each moment I have here. (Not just on earth, but in A2.) Of course there is danger in connecting too quickly . . . that is when you've given someone a piece of your heart, but they aren't aware of it. Then what? Well I guess it makes sense that you would tell them, but of course that is very vulnerable. But then again, so is giving away a piece of your heart. I've been thinking about the verse Proverbs 4:23, "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life." I'm not sure why He created us this way, with our heart being our life. But it's true. Relationship with fellow humans and especially fellow brothers and sister in Christ are something that can encourage, and heal me or seem to totally destroy me. So I'm guess I'm still working through that, but in the meantime, I will continue to share my heart with those around me in hopes of them entrusting me with a piece of theirs.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Contemplative . . .
Hard to believe this time last year I had been in K-ville for six months, making friends, finishing a Bible study, learning a new city and growing some new friendships. At this point last year I had spent my 1st Easter w/o my family, spent a week in the hospital w/ Shaun and his ruptured appendix, gone home for my dad's wedding, and was in Lafayette preparing for Krystal & Chris' wedding. Weird. I had formed a new part of my identity, and tapped into one lost in my youth. One of a vibrant Christian woman, eager to serve Christ and know Him more deeply. Our teaching pastor would always say, you are either engaging in righteousness or unrighteousness. I was leaving very little time for an unrighteous thoughts let alone actions.
So here I am, one year later and just spent another six months making friends, finishing Bible studies, and getting to know a new city. But the growing friendships thing is what's been most . . . different. I don't know what happened really. When I moved to Knoxville I was dying to meet people, make friends, get connected. And the Lord moved slowly (it seemed) at first. But when I moved here I was ready to enjoy some Sabbath time with the Lord. But instead, I got connected more quickly than ever. Just after a month of being at our new church we were helping with a concert and attending a small group. My schedule was quickly filled with ministry opportunities and oddly enough two jobs! Something I immensely wanted in Knoxville, but Lord wouldn't allow me to have. Now when I wasn't even looking for one I got two!. However, all this connecting I was doing was not leading to deeper friendships. Rather I just 'knew' more people. In K-ville many of my friendships were deep. Here, none of them were. Well, that all started to change on Memorial Day . . .
Our small group decided we wanted to start doing some social together so we could get to know each other more. What a great idea we thought, and we'll even host a cook-out. Of course we didn't have a grill, but the Lord provided a grill when Dad & Val came to visit and bought us one as a housewarming gift. Then my new job money paid for the food we provided, and everyone was actually able to attend. How exciting I thought - everything is coming together. So, I get the hair-brained idea to share testimonies. I mean what better way to get to know people than to hear how God has brought them to Himself, used them, and is growing them. Oh, I was so excited to hear everyone's testimony . . . that is until I realized I had to share mine. Bam. It hit me. I have to share my testimony. Crap. What was I thinking?!? This is the dumbest idea I've had yet. So dumb in fact, maybe we could play Settlers instead. So the week before the big day I was having a conversation with a guy in our small group that spends many hours here a week getting schooled by Shaun in shooty games. I was saying that I was really nervous and that I didn't think I could share my R-rated testimony when most of the group except him, had a G-rated one. He said it would be fine, as did Shaun. For the next week I had thoughts I hadn't had in YEARS. And not good ones either. Satan was really playing me hard and I was allowing it. So then came Memorial Day. We had some nice conversation and lunch. Then we were all gathered around and I tried to deflect to playing a game and Shaun said, "Well if we're gonna share, we should do it now. I'll start." Great. So, he went, then I went. OK, it's done, I should feel better right - um not so much. Actually I felt, worse, far worse. Then as the week went on, it got worse and worse. Then one of the ladies in my small group had a show at this coffee house. I felt like I had stepped back in time to a super-fun place. I kept looking around the room thinking, these are my people! I love it here. I need to get out more often. Then Shaun left for a week for work. That's when things got interesting.
I had packed my week with many people and activities to not notice that I was home alone, for the 1st time in two years. One of the ladies in my small group came over a couple nights to spend time with me. We had a great time and we were really hitting it off. Which was great as when we first met I didn't think she liked me and we wouldn't get along. (She said she felt the same way.) So we had a great time and have been getting close, but then she started to share something on her heart. The counselor in me came out and I felt if I really loved her, I couldn't let her live in denial anymore. So I decided to get to the bottom of her delema. Unfortunately, the bottom was not what she was hoping for. A few nights later, Shaun has returned and we went out. That's right - I actually went out, which was awesome. We had a great time. Then the next night we had small group and I talked to her afterwards. She seemed upset, but I was studying so I wasn't giving her my undivided attention. Then abruptly she decided to go to bed. Then yesterday, nothing from her. I left lost all day, wishing I could talk to her. Then I got an email . . . and yes, it was after 9PM. (Why don't I listen to my husband?)
Devastated. That's a word for it. She was, and then I was. I had totally let her down. Here I go again, trying to be helpful, only not looking at what could happen if the truth were set free. You would think I would be a little more tuned in with Holy Spirit and see if He thinks it's a good idea, but no. I will be seeing her tonight, but I'm worried. Concerned, that she is mad, or even to see her still struggling. So, I'm trying to take my own advice today, and lay my burden at the foot of the cross. I'm so sorry dear, truly I am.
So here I am, one year later and just spent another six months making friends, finishing Bible studies, and getting to know a new city. But the growing friendships thing is what's been most . . . different. I don't know what happened really. When I moved to Knoxville I was dying to meet people, make friends, get connected. And the Lord moved slowly (it seemed) at first. But when I moved here I was ready to enjoy some Sabbath time with the Lord. But instead, I got connected more quickly than ever. Just after a month of being at our new church we were helping with a concert and attending a small group. My schedule was quickly filled with ministry opportunities and oddly enough two jobs! Something I immensely wanted in Knoxville, but Lord wouldn't allow me to have. Now when I wasn't even looking for one I got two!. However, all this connecting I was doing was not leading to deeper friendships. Rather I just 'knew' more people. In K-ville many of my friendships were deep. Here, none of them were. Well, that all started to change on Memorial Day . . .
Our small group decided we wanted to start doing some social together so we could get to know each other more. What a great idea we thought, and we'll even host a cook-out. Of course we didn't have a grill, but the Lord provided a grill when Dad & Val came to visit and bought us one as a housewarming gift. Then my new job money paid for the food we provided, and everyone was actually able to attend. How exciting I thought - everything is coming together. So, I get the hair-brained idea to share testimonies. I mean what better way to get to know people than to hear how God has brought them to Himself, used them, and is growing them. Oh, I was so excited to hear everyone's testimony . . . that is until I realized I had to share mine. Bam. It hit me. I have to share my testimony. Crap. What was I thinking?!? This is the dumbest idea I've had yet. So dumb in fact, maybe we could play Settlers instead. So the week before the big day I was having a conversation with a guy in our small group that spends many hours here a week getting schooled by Shaun in shooty games. I was saying that I was really nervous and that I didn't think I could share my R-rated testimony when most of the group except him, had a G-rated one. He said it would be fine, as did Shaun. For the next week I had thoughts I hadn't had in YEARS. And not good ones either. Satan was really playing me hard and I was allowing it. So then came Memorial Day. We had some nice conversation and lunch. Then we were all gathered around and I tried to deflect to playing a game and Shaun said, "Well if we're gonna share, we should do it now. I'll start." Great. So, he went, then I went. OK, it's done, I should feel better right - um not so much. Actually I felt, worse, far worse. Then as the week went on, it got worse and worse. Then one of the ladies in my small group had a show at this coffee house. I felt like I had stepped back in time to a super-fun place. I kept looking around the room thinking, these are my people! I love it here. I need to get out more often. Then Shaun left for a week for work. That's when things got interesting.
I had packed my week with many people and activities to not notice that I was home alone, for the 1st time in two years. One of the ladies in my small group came over a couple nights to spend time with me. We had a great time and we were really hitting it off. Which was great as when we first met I didn't think she liked me and we wouldn't get along. (She said she felt the same way.) So we had a great time and have been getting close, but then she started to share something on her heart. The counselor in me came out and I felt if I really loved her, I couldn't let her live in denial anymore. So I decided to get to the bottom of her delema. Unfortunately, the bottom was not what she was hoping for. A few nights later, Shaun has returned and we went out. That's right - I actually went out, which was awesome. We had a great time. Then the next night we had small group and I talked to her afterwards. She seemed upset, but I was studying so I wasn't giving her my undivided attention. Then abruptly she decided to go to bed. Then yesterday, nothing from her. I left lost all day, wishing I could talk to her. Then I got an email . . . and yes, it was after 9PM. (Why don't I listen to my husband?)
Devastated. That's a word for it. She was, and then I was. I had totally let her down. Here I go again, trying to be helpful, only not looking at what could happen if the truth were set free. You would think I would be a little more tuned in with Holy Spirit and see if He thinks it's a good idea, but no. I will be seeing her tonight, but I'm worried. Concerned, that she is mad, or even to see her still struggling. So, I'm trying to take my own advice today, and lay my burden at the foot of the cross. I'm so sorry dear, truly I am.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Getting back into the groove
So I apologize for not blogging in nearly a year. It has been a crazy one. The wedding was fabulous! I had an amazing time and being married is wonderful. We went to Kauai for the honeymoon which was also spectacular. We have been renting out my mom's house which has posed a number of problems from flooded basement (on 3 occasions) to most recently mice. Yes, I'm staying at our friends John and Debbie's until I leave for TN Friday. Yes, Shaun has been in TN for going on 3 weeks now. I miss him more than I can explain. I honestly feel like a widow. So, Friday will be the first time I've seen him since June 4th. I'm excited, however, I feel it will be difficult to leave. I've been making some new friends in Shaun's absence. I'm become the "116 wife" as I've gone out with Andy, Justin and Volkan. I've visited with Missy and Drew which has been nice since we haven't seen them as much as I would like since they moved. There were are neighbors for a while and we would spend at least one night a week together, drinking, playing poker and the like. I took a woman's Bible study this winter with Angelina. I decided to give up ranch during the study, because the study was about increasing your faith. It definately took a lot of faith to give up ranch. Now, oddly, I'm not really liking it anymore. Very odd indeed. Amazing what you think you can't live without and then you don't even desire it any more. Well I am going to make a concerted effort to write more soon . . .
Friday, July 15, 2005
Bridezilla's Wedding
So, we finally got Stef married off. First, the rehearsal went long as people were stuck in traffic due to I-70 being closed because of an accident. We had fun though. The rehearsal dinner was at another church down the road. Jerry and Jane had food catered in that was excellent.
The 8 wedding colors didn't look that bad as they were spread out. The cake was the only detail that was truly odd. And if you didn't know if was supposed to be a city building with windows, it might've looked OK. Janelle, Traci and I were in pretty bad moods Friday and theirs didn't improve much Saturday. I tried to just ignore her so I could stay in a good mood. I got some ideas out of it though, so that's a plus. I was disappointed that I didn't get a picture with just Stef or Stef and Josh. Shaun and I are going to make an effort to get one with each of our attendants separately and together. We didn't get a chance to sign the guestbook either. I think we will bring ours to the rehearsal dinner so that everyone gets a chance to do that. We have been having a hard time find a big enough autograph mat for 200 people. Alas.
So, apparently Stef says she will never do that again... course that's the point. I hope all works out well.
The 8 wedding colors didn't look that bad as they were spread out. The cake was the only detail that was truly odd. And if you didn't know if was supposed to be a city building with windows, it might've looked OK. Janelle, Traci and I were in pretty bad moods Friday and theirs didn't improve much Saturday. I tried to just ignore her so I could stay in a good mood. I got some ideas out of it though, so that's a plus. I was disappointed that I didn't get a picture with just Stef or Stef and Josh. Shaun and I are going to make an effort to get one with each of our attendants separately and together. We didn't get a chance to sign the guestbook either. I think we will bring ours to the rehearsal dinner so that everyone gets a chance to do that. We have been having a hard time find a big enough autograph mat for 200 people. Alas.
So, apparently Stef says she will never do that again... course that's the point. I hope all works out well.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Stef's Bachelorette Party
So, Stef is getting married in 4 days. (We're getting married in 60). Janelle, Traci and I wanted to give her this awesome party to really celebrate the death of her bachelorettehood. She wasn't having it. She basically turned down every cool idea we had. SO, we decided not to tell her what we were doing, and told her to show up at my apt at 6:30. (Needless to say, I didn't leave Lafayette from my shower until 5:50... but who's counting. Oh, and we made it on time). We did a toast, and then headed to Jillian's where we ate and had a few drinks. Stef played Shuffle board with Angela and actually liked it. Then she looked bored, so we decided to head back to the apartment. Now, Stef had wanted a "spa" theme, so Traci and Janelle found some homemade recipes online for various facial treatments. They picked this oatmeal, honey and pineapple mask. It was disgusting. I was the guinea pig. They didn't crush up the pineapple very much so it was running down my hair and into my ears. I was shrieking the whole 10 minutes. Oh, and it looked like baby barf. The second batch Traci crushed the pineapple more, so it was more sticky than anything else. I got out the foot bath that Shaun bought me. It was a huge hit! We snacked and played "Question Jenga" where you pulled a block out and then handed it someone who you wanted to hear their answer to that question. It was quite enlightening. We went to bed at 4 AM.
Stef, Angela, Traci and Janelle woke up at 8:30 and went to Starbucks and came back. Krystal and I slept through it all. We awoke at 11 to find them all going to lunch. We decided to stay up and through some lasagna in the oven. Later, Traci and Janelle came back and we went swimming. It was so hot out, and the pool felt so nice. She came back, showered, and went to Cheeseburger in Paradise for dinner. Krystal and I split the Not to Particular burger which was quite tasty. Traci and Janelle split the shrimp appetizer and a Cheeseburger in Paradise drink. I also got one, but for some reason they gave me the large, and gave them a small one. I thought I was going to die. Luckily Krystal help me drink some of it.
Stef, Angela, Traci and Janelle woke up at 8:30 and went to Starbucks and came back. Krystal and I slept through it all. We awoke at 11 to find them all going to lunch. We decided to stay up and through some lasagna in the oven. Later, Traci and Janelle came back and we went swimming. It was so hot out, and the pool felt so nice. She came back, showered, and went to Cheeseburger in Paradise for dinner. Krystal and I split the Not to Particular burger which was quite tasty. Traci and Janelle split the shrimp appetizer and a Cheeseburger in Paradise drink. I also got one, but for some reason they gave me the large, and gave them a small one. I thought I was going to die. Luckily Krystal help me drink some of it.
"From My Shower to Yours"
Renee and Krystal threw me a bridal shower on Saturday. I had a blast. We played this game where everyone got their plate as they arrived and wrote on the back how they knew me. Then after everyone had arrived, they gave their plates to me, and I had to guess who they were. Then I gave them their plate back, and they would have their piece of cake. I only missed two... and they were both hard. Then we did a "Shaun & Adrianne Trivia Quiz." I got them all right! Ma won. She said, "I've known Shaun for 25 years, and Adrianne for 7, so I better win!" It was pretty funny. We visited and ate cake. We drank memosas and punch. Then it was present time. I haven't sat in front of a crowd and opened presents in a long time. It was quite the odd feeling. But we got lots of cool gifts. It's had been so long since I registered I had forgotten what I registered for. We received: an electric wok, spice rack, bar caddy, spice gift set, fondue set, iron, spritzer, ironing organizer, tupperware bowl, garnisher, canister set, clock, picture frame, crock-pot, oil & vinegar set and a wooden salad bowl set. Most of the stuff was stainless steel of course! I handed out little bath salts wrapped in toole that said, "From my shower to yours." They were so cute. I have more I'm giving out at my next shower. I think everyone had a great time. Thank you Renee and Krystal!!!
Forgot...
I see I forgot to mention that Charity & Steve arrived back Tuesday evening to find their apartment had flooded. Also, they learned that the people they bought their house from would actually like to move out sooner than they had originally said. So, maybe this will work out in the end.
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