Deep in Thought

Ever felt so insignificant that you start to wonder why you bother thinking at all??? Well... I'm there today. Have been feeling a little... off, for awhile now. Tried many things to get back to a state of normalcy. Some work temporarily, but inevitably I find myself back here. My small group finished studying the book of Daniel tonight. We were in chapter 12, technically, but found ourselves in all sorts of places during our discussion. We were trying to figure out the differences b/w Pre, Post, and A-Millinialist and Pre and Post-Tribulationists while trying to figure out which camp we are in. We looked up many passages concerning eschatology. All this only to come to the conclusion that Jesus told Daniel... it's sealed up, not for you to know, and even the angels don't know, but be encouraged, because you have treasurers stored up in heaven. Great. So why don't I feel encouraged? Have a mentioned that I feel like I'm going to be a horrible counselor? If I can't even figure out my own stuff, how can I help others. Obviously the answer is the Spirit and the Word, but you know what I mean. I keep thinking about what John said... that there will be many spiritual battles while attending seminary. Alas.

Too many opportunities and not enough time...

OK, so I've been asked to do the following... you may see a pattern emerge.
1) Serve on the Women's Leadership Committee to do publicity and plan a retreat.
2) Create, organize and lead an international students ministry at our church.
3) Help team-lead a Bible study at a local nursing home.
4) Serve on the newcomers committee at church.
5) Lead Covenant Couples Group that has monthly events.

These of course are in addition to babysitting ~20hrs/wk, Gran-sitting 6hrs/wk, 15 credit hours of school, small group, a prayer group, leading another small group and two women's Bible studies. Oh yeah, and continue to cultivate and maintain meaningful relationship with friends in multiple states while maintaining a healthy marriage and getting good grades. Yeah right.

So one could say I'm over it. Ready to just say no to everyone and everything and retreat with a cup of tea and one of the many books 'in que.' (Because the recommended reading list for psychology classes is more work than the classes themselves.) But the other part of me could say yes I would love to help out any way I can. I don't need sleep - overrated. But Shaun said that he thinks I have been doing too much for the past 3 yrs and need to settle down. So if you have any thoughts on what exactly I should be doing . . . let's just say, I'll take it under advisement when I get back from having my retreat.

Community

An interesting word . . . and concept. I like to define it as true connection, accountability, authenticity and vulnerability with real people. This is something I have had a taste of and have been trying to get again ever since. And I think it's finally happening for me. This week alone we have connected with many people, and actually had deep conversations. It's been a great week, yet a tiring one. Oh, and it's only Wed! But I'm so thankful for the body of believers I've met in A2 and how they are challenging me to think and grow. I'm thankful for the community I have in towns where I once lived and how I've been reconnecting with you all this week too. God has created us as relational beings - while frustrating at times, I'm glad about this too. Because without these friends, I would truly be lost at sea...

God is good

Went on a field trip with my prayer group last night to the Healing Rooms. I went in expecting one thing and God provided me with something more abundant. And I couldn't have asked for a better group of women to share in my experience! I have felt refreshed today and as if a heavy burden has been lifted off me from the last three weeks of battle. Oh how amazing is His love! I also found out last night that this revival I have been hearing about in FL is in Lakeland, FL! That's where Stef & Josh are moving and where I'll be in just under two weeks! I'm so excited to get a chance to attend the revival there. And I'm sure that's not a coincidence! If only this feeling could last forever... well, while on earth :)

Busy, Busy Weekend

My weekend really began on Friday. We drove to Lawton, MI and visited with our dear friends Tom & Sherry from Knoxville. It was so great to see them and spend time out on the lake. It started out as a beautiful afternoon and then the rain came. But we still had a great time catching up and taking lots of pictures!

Saturday I presented my final project for Marriage & Family Dynamics in the morning. I think it went fairly well. Then I worked with 'Gran' the rest of the afternoon and into the evening. Then we went to Top of the Park with Laura. 'Top' as it is commonly referred to is a annual 3 week festival downtown. There is live music and movies. It's actually a very cool thing they do.

Sunday we had church and small group. I really do love my small group :)

So I have spent today recovering from all the bustle and am headed to the Healing Rooms tonight with my prayer group. I'm really excited about it and look forward to sharing about my experience there!

I'm a Seminarian

I have been pondering this title this week. A seminary student. Yes that's me now; a part of who I am. As I have been working through some things this week it seems in some ways things don't add up. My past, my present. But then again, Jesus doesn't call us a "new creation" for nothing. When I tell people I'm going to seminary, their eyes get wide and they raise their eyebrows while saying, "oh . . ." followed by a variety of remarks from: that's nice, how exciting, I would've never guessed. I don't really know what to do with the latter answer other than say, Yes Jesus works in mysterious ways.

I've almost completed my 1st semester as a seminarian. I've really enjoyed my classes so far and have been starting to think about what my practice will look like. My Marriage & Family Dynamics professor is always asking us what we will specialize in and until today I wasn't really sure. For that class we had to come up with a proposal for problem we see in the church. Being the over-achiever that I am ;) I chose Sexual Addiction in Women. A very interesting, yet under-rated topic in today's churches. My research today suggests that it's just as prevalent in women as it is in men, yet there are not many resources available for women seeking purity. After completing my project a moment ago I'm thinking that this could be an area I could specialize in. Just indeed - Christ works in mysterious ways.

A piece of my heart

I had a realization this morning. Kind of strange, kind of not. I realized that I had given my friend a piece of my heart. I guess this only seems weird as we haven't known each other that long, but then again we don't have long on this earth. I think of that often. How fast life seems to pass me by. Hours are suddenly days that are suddenly weeks. It's June already. I can't believe it. I was looking an email from school and it says I have a deadline of July 1st. No problem I thought - oh wait, that's like soon! Drat. And old people are always telling you to enjoy whatever stage you're in now because before you know it, it's gone. I started grad school last month. As I sat in my 1st class of the Spring semester I realized that I had not been in school, taken a test or gotten a grade in five years! What?!? I don't even know where to begin to tell you how quickly the last five years went. So, in lieu of all this, I'm trying to connect most deeply and quickly as I know how, trying to savor each moment I have here. (Not just on earth, but in A2.) Of course there is danger in connecting too quickly . . . that is when you've given someone a piece of your heart, but they aren't aware of it. Then what? Well I guess it makes sense that you would tell them, but of course that is very vulnerable. But then again, so is giving away a piece of your heart. I've been thinking about the verse Proverbs 4:23, "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life." I'm not sure why He created us this way, with our heart being our life. But it's true. Relationship with fellow humans and especially fellow brothers and sister in Christ are something that can encourage, and heal me or seem to totally destroy me. So I'm guess I'm still working through that, but in the meantime, I will continue to share my heart with those around me in hopes of them entrusting me with a piece of theirs.

Contemplative . . .

Hard to believe this time last year I had been in K-ville for six months, making friends, finishing a Bible study, learning a new city and growing some new friendships. At this point last year I had spent my 1st Easter w/o my family, spent a week in the hospital w/ Shaun and his ruptured appendix, gone home for my dad's wedding, and was in Lafayette preparing for Krystal & Chris' wedding. Weird. I had formed a new part of my identity, and tapped into one lost in my youth. One of a vibrant Christian woman, eager to serve Christ and know Him more deeply. Our teaching pastor would always say, you are either engaging in righteousness or unrighteousness. I was leaving very little time for an unrighteous thoughts let alone actions.

So here I am, one year later and just spent another six months making friends, finishing Bible studies, and getting to know a new city. But the growing friendships thing is what's been most . . . different. I don't know what happened really. When I moved to Knoxville I was dying to meet people, make friends, get connected. And the Lord moved slowly (it seemed) at first. But when I moved here I was ready to enjoy some Sabbath time with the Lord. But instead, I got connected more quickly than ever. Just after a month of being at our new church we were helping with a concert and attending a small group. My schedule was quickly filled with ministry opportunities and oddly enough two jobs! Something I immensely wanted in Knoxville, but Lord wouldn't allow me to have. Now when I wasn't even looking for one I got two!. However, all this connecting I was doing was not leading to deeper friendships. Rather I just 'knew' more people. In K-ville many of my friendships were deep. Here, none of them were. Well, that all started to change on Memorial Day . . .

Our small group decided we wanted to start doing some social together so we could get to know each other more. What a great idea we thought, and we'll even host a cook-out. Of course we didn't have a grill, but the Lord provided a grill when Dad & Val came to visit and bought us one as a housewarming gift. Then my new job money paid for the food we provided, and everyone was actually able to attend. How exciting I thought - everything is coming together. So, I get the hair-brained idea to share testimonies. I mean what better way to get to know people than to hear how God has brought them to Himself, used them, and is growing them. Oh, I was so excited to hear everyone's testimony . . . that is until I realized I had to share mine. Bam. It hit me. I have to share my testimony. Crap. What was I thinking?!? This is the dumbest idea I've had yet. So dumb in fact, maybe we could play Settlers instead. So the week before the big day I was having a conversation with a guy in our small group that spends many hours here a week getting schooled by Shaun in shooty games. I was saying that I was really nervous and that I didn't think I could share my R-rated testimony when most of the group except him, had a G-rated one. He said it would be fine, as did Shaun. For the next week I had thoughts I hadn't had in YEARS. And not good ones either. Satan was really playing me hard and I was allowing it. So then came Memorial Day. We had some nice conversation and lunch. Then we were all gathered around and I tried to deflect to playing a game and Shaun said, "Well if we're gonna share, we should do it now. I'll start." Great. So, he went, then I went. OK, it's done, I should feel better right - um not so much. Actually I felt, worse, far worse. Then as the week went on, it got worse and worse. Then one of the ladies in my small group had a show at this coffee house. I felt like I had stepped back in time to a super-fun place. I kept looking around the room thinking, these are my people! I love it here. I need to get out more often. Then Shaun left for a week for work. That's when things got interesting.

I had packed my week with many people and activities to not notice that I was home alone, for the 1st time in two years. One of the ladies in my small group came over a couple nights to spend time with me. We had a great time and we were really hitting it off. Which was great as when we first met I didn't think she liked me and we wouldn't get along. (She said she felt the same way.) So we had a great time and have been getting close, but then she started to share something on her heart. The counselor in me came out and I felt if I really loved her, I couldn't let her live in denial anymore. So I decided to get to the bottom of her delema. Unfortunately, the bottom was not what she was hoping for. A few nights later, Shaun has returned and we went out. That's right - I actually went out, which was awesome. We had a great time. Then the next night we had small group and I talked to her afterwards. She seemed upset, but I was studying so I wasn't giving her my undivided attention. Then abruptly she decided to go to bed. Then yesterday, nothing from her. I left lost all day, wishing I could talk to her. Then I got an email . . . and yes, it was after 9PM. (Why don't I listen to my husband?)

Devastated. That's a word for it. She was, and then I was. I had totally let her down. Here I go again, trying to be helpful, only not looking at what could happen if the truth were set free. You would think I would be a little more tuned in with Holy Spirit and see if He thinks it's a good idea, but no. I will be seeing her tonight, but I'm worried. Concerned, that she is mad, or even to see her still struggling. So, I'm trying to take my own advice today, and lay my burden at the foot of the cross. I'm so sorry dear, truly I am.