Contemplative . . .

Hard to believe this time last year I had been in K-ville for six months, making friends, finishing a Bible study, learning a new city and growing some new friendships. At this point last year I had spent my 1st Easter w/o my family, spent a week in the hospital w/ Shaun and his ruptured appendix, gone home for my dad's wedding, and was in Lafayette preparing for Krystal & Chris' wedding. Weird. I had formed a new part of my identity, and tapped into one lost in my youth. One of a vibrant Christian woman, eager to serve Christ and know Him more deeply. Our teaching pastor would always say, you are either engaging in righteousness or unrighteousness. I was leaving very little time for an unrighteous thoughts let alone actions.

So here I am, one year later and just spent another six months making friends, finishing Bible studies, and getting to know a new city. But the growing friendships thing is what's been most . . . different. I don't know what happened really. When I moved to Knoxville I was dying to meet people, make friends, get connected. And the Lord moved slowly (it seemed) at first. But when I moved here I was ready to enjoy some Sabbath time with the Lord. But instead, I got connected more quickly than ever. Just after a month of being at our new church we were helping with a concert and attending a small group. My schedule was quickly filled with ministry opportunities and oddly enough two jobs! Something I immensely wanted in Knoxville, but Lord wouldn't allow me to have. Now when I wasn't even looking for one I got two!. However, all this connecting I was doing was not leading to deeper friendships. Rather I just 'knew' more people. In K-ville many of my friendships were deep. Here, none of them were. Well, that all started to change on Memorial Day . . .

Our small group decided we wanted to start doing some social together so we could get to know each other more. What a great idea we thought, and we'll even host a cook-out. Of course we didn't have a grill, but the Lord provided a grill when Dad & Val came to visit and bought us one as a housewarming gift. Then my new job money paid for the food we provided, and everyone was actually able to attend. How exciting I thought - everything is coming together. So, I get the hair-brained idea to share testimonies. I mean what better way to get to know people than to hear how God has brought them to Himself, used them, and is growing them. Oh, I was so excited to hear everyone's testimony . . . that is until I realized I had to share mine. Bam. It hit me. I have to share my testimony. Crap. What was I thinking?!? This is the dumbest idea I've had yet. So dumb in fact, maybe we could play Settlers instead. So the week before the big day I was having a conversation with a guy in our small group that spends many hours here a week getting schooled by Shaun in shooty games. I was saying that I was really nervous and that I didn't think I could share my R-rated testimony when most of the group except him, had a G-rated one. He said it would be fine, as did Shaun. For the next week I had thoughts I hadn't had in YEARS. And not good ones either. Satan was really playing me hard and I was allowing it. So then came Memorial Day. We had some nice conversation and lunch. Then we were all gathered around and I tried to deflect to playing a game and Shaun said, "Well if we're gonna share, we should do it now. I'll start." Great. So, he went, then I went. OK, it's done, I should feel better right - um not so much. Actually I felt, worse, far worse. Then as the week went on, it got worse and worse. Then one of the ladies in my small group had a show at this coffee house. I felt like I had stepped back in time to a super-fun place. I kept looking around the room thinking, these are my people! I love it here. I need to get out more often. Then Shaun left for a week for work. That's when things got interesting.

I had packed my week with many people and activities to not notice that I was home alone, for the 1st time in two years. One of the ladies in my small group came over a couple nights to spend time with me. We had a great time and we were really hitting it off. Which was great as when we first met I didn't think she liked me and we wouldn't get along. (She said she felt the same way.) So we had a great time and have been getting close, but then she started to share something on her heart. The counselor in me came out and I felt if I really loved her, I couldn't let her live in denial anymore. So I decided to get to the bottom of her delema. Unfortunately, the bottom was not what she was hoping for. A few nights later, Shaun has returned and we went out. That's right - I actually went out, which was awesome. We had a great time. Then the next night we had small group and I talked to her afterwards. She seemed upset, but I was studying so I wasn't giving her my undivided attention. Then abruptly she decided to go to bed. Then yesterday, nothing from her. I left lost all day, wishing I could talk to her. Then I got an email . . . and yes, it was after 9PM. (Why don't I listen to my husband?)

Devastated. That's a word for it. She was, and then I was. I had totally let her down. Here I go again, trying to be helpful, only not looking at what could happen if the truth were set free. You would think I would be a little more tuned in with Holy Spirit and see if He thinks it's a good idea, but no. I will be seeing her tonight, but I'm worried. Concerned, that she is mad, or even to see her still struggling. So, I'm trying to take my own advice today, and lay my burden at the foot of the cross. I'm so sorry dear, truly I am.