God is a God of Beauty

The sermon this morning was titled "God is a God of beauty." His main points were God makes things to enjoy them; He's not just a utilitarian. Things, people have instrinic beauty, and are not just beautiful because someone says so (i.e. "beauty is in the eye of the beholder). This of course means... well, that I have intrinsic beauty...

I've been struggling lately with some concepts. Concepts like, you might actually like me as a person, or be attracted to my heart, or heaven forbid, enjoy me. You might not be spending time with me just because I'm useful to you or because you want to use me. Not everyone may have received the script to abuse me, reject me and abandon me. God has placed me in MI where people aren't doing this. People are trying to care for me on an entirely different level that has made me wish I had to move out of state yet again. It's only exposed that I don't know how to receive care. My friend CD tonight said this, "ur heart is the most beautiful thing about u.... ur an amazing person." My friend, BC said, "God created you that way... and in Christ your heart is perfect and pure." It's easy for me to dismiss this comments usually with thoughts like "it's all Him" and "I have no righteousness of my own." BC said, "it is... but He chose to give it to you." So if I have His... then I have some...which only sent me into a panicked state.

I realized that I've bought into the idea in the current evangelical church that says beauty is expendable, not needed to the point that frugality equals righteousness. I still have the mindset that I make 18K/yr... while I see money as merely a tool for God's kingdom and not just to acquire stuff, I think I've taken it too far. Not only have I tied in my own value (or beauty) into my worth I've now tied others worth to their usefulness, including stewardship of money, time, resources, gifts. I try to use "mine" to the fullest... but I never just enjoy beauty, because to enjoy something is to enjoy it at it's core, it's being, it's intrinsic value. I don't know if I can do that because I don't see my own intrinsic value.

Rev. 3:16 "So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth" has been coming up nearly daily since June 24th at the Rise Against concert. God has been showing me all the things I'm "lukewarm" about. I was thinking about my body, how I don't love it or hate it, it's just kinda there to help me do things. But J/CR pointed out tonight that we will have this body in Heaven, not a body we don't recognize... and everything we do here is preparing us for Heaven including what we do to our bodies. So, if I don't use my creativity here, then I won't be given creative tasks in Heaven; if I don't take care of my body here it will be reflected in Heaven. What we do here does matter. It's not all futile, but I've been living in part as if that were true. It's like gnosticism...

So, I'm not sure where these musings will lead me next, but I'm buckled in to find out.