Maintenance-free Clutter-free Living

So, after getting all excited about riding my child around in his new kid bike trailer, S points out that I have no brake pads, (like less than none), I can't change gears and I have one flat tire. Huh.

S, "When was the last time you did maintenance on your bike?"
Me, "What do you mean? I didn't think bikes needed maintenance. You just get them out of the garage and ride them and put them back, right?
(At the bike store). Bike guy holding my brake pad, "What bike were these on?!"
S, "That's not a good sign."

So, two trips back to my local bike shop, Tree Fort Tires, and I was on the road again. S raised the seat for me and my legs still don't extend like they should. S pointed out that this bike has a smaller frame than a standard woman's bike. In truth, I believe my parents bought this bike for me for my 10th birthday which was in 1990... yes I still have my childhood bike. And it's still in pristine condition (well, after some maintenance). For the record, I still use the dressers and trunk my grandmother bought me when I was three, making them 30-years-old and still in great shape! I still wear clothes from high school (only 15-years-ago). Among other things... Hmm, I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the amount of clutter I have in this house considering I obviously keep everything and keep it in good condition....

The thing about keeping things in good condition means that they do require some amount of maintenance. I've spent my entire life taking care of my stuff. Everything we have, we have to care for. Those knick-knacks on the shelf need dusted. The modes of transportation need maintenance. The yard, the house, you name it. It all needs up-keep. So the more we get rid of, the less we have to care for. Here's to more decluttering!

Book Dehoarding

So I spoke about this briefly the other day, but thought it deserved it's own post. Book dehoarding that is. If you've ever been to my house you can see by some accounts that I'm on the edge of being a book hoarding. Others of you would say my diagnosis is classifiable. We will have been married for nine years this year. It's a good milestone to think about whether or not I've actually picked these books up apart from packing them up and moving them. If I haven't read it in a decade (because I certainly did read it the year I was engaged before that), then I think I can safely let it go.

So nearly daily I've been posting more and more books online. I have now sold and shipped five books to new homes and have posted an additional 62 books!!! This is a huge feat. Let me give you an idea of how bad it is. That biology textbook from freshman year of college? Wasn't that in 1999...? Ahem. Yes, and yes I still have it and have moved it at least six times to three different states. There's my Nancy Drew Collection volumes 1-19... from when I was like eight... All in mint condition apart from the dust they're collecting. I had envisioned passing them along to my daughter, but then I had a son.

Why do I keep all of these books? Well, obviously they were interesting and I might want to read them again, and then what would I do?! This is hoarding mentality at it's best! But, ten months in my Voluntary Simplicity Vow has taught me that if I will need it again, then I can always find it again. In the meantime, "If you have things you're not using then you have someone else's stuff."

Growing Up!

G is only a "baby" for two more weeks. It's hard to believe that he will be a year old, even though I do feel a year older... We got his nine-month photo shoot pictures back recently. Here are some highlights :)

         

We're also expanding the size of the garden this year and having 9-cubic-yards of topsoil/compost mix dropped off this week. We're grateful to have a friend come help us spread some dirt around. Meanwhile I planted 96 more seeds and my last 96 seedlings are growing big! The seedlings are growing so tall I had to move the lights up and now they are hitting the lights again! I wasn't planning to transplant them until the end of May and beginning of June but I might have to rethink that. This is good to know for next year that I can wait a month to start seedlings. This year I started March 5th.



I actually got serious about downsizing my every-growing book collection. I've posted 28 books online to sell and have successfully sold and shipped four of them!!! It feel great to be getting rid of books I've barely looked at or never even read. My goal is to have ALL of OUR books fit on the built-ins, plus one bookcase. It's going to be a tall order, but I'm hopeful. Let the downsizing continue!

Surpassed My Goal!

With three more months left of my one-year-long Voluntary Simplicity Vow, I am realizing how much I have to be grateful for these days. For starters, I've surpassed my goal of giving away 100 things! The last items on the list included two bags of clothes. But now it's become a rhythm, so I have someone picking up three boxes of plastic straws that have been collecting dust on my baker's rack and serving as a temptation for G. I started selling things on Craigslist (which S thinks is super sketchy). I decided there were some things we wanted, so we needed to sell current things in order to acquire the new. So we sold S's old radar detector to purchase new phones and then sold our old phones to purchase the insurance for our new phones! I sold some other random stuff too.

My desire to acquire more is definitely significantly lessened. It's weird to see something I want, and not feel the impulse to just "shoot it, bag it and bring it home." I'm actually even researching purchases, including looking up customer reviews, and looking at more than one store before making a decision! Weird for me... I know! But it's paying off in many less purchases, and being truly delighted with the purchases I do make. It's a serene and jubilant feeling.

I'm also enjoying just having less clutter in the house. (Although at this very moment I have piles of clothes going from one mom's daughter to another, so it looks a little cluttered...) I've noticed how my view of my possessions has changed already to looking at every item and wondering if I really need/want it. I'm not really afraid of scarcity anymore, so I'm not stockpiling for the end of the world. (Besides if the end of the world comes, extroverted-me doesn't want to either be the last survivor or stuck with tin-foil-on-the-head guy.)

I'm excited to start biking again this summer with Grey in tow. I've been researching kid bike trailers. There's a wide variety out there, but I'm mostly interested in being able to bike to the farmer's market to get our crop share. I'm not interested in dragging the wagon two miles every week. And it's literally only 1.1mi from our house, so I can't really justify driving.

My seedlings are growing stupendously well! I'm elated! I have 96 seedlings! I'll be keeping you updated with how many pounds I harvest this year to set a foundation. Then I can increase from there. I'm not even sure what a realistic goal would be.

All this simplifying has led to be losing 35lbs, putting me at my lowest weight in a decade. 

I purchased a homeopathic kit & some other goodies from my naturalpathy store including an organic bath mix. I had a cold & did a foot soak: 20min Epsom salt, 20mins organic bath mix. Next day, I felt fine. So weird. And the water started out clear but this is how it looked at the end. 

I know I had more thoughts, but G isn't a very helpful typist so I'm hitting backspace as much as I'm typing. So I'll have to continue to my thoughts later.

Productivity Report

I've downloaded the blogger app in an attempt to post more often. I have the iPhone 5C now which is strange being only one generation behind as I'm usually lagging much further behind in the technology world. I've begun selling items on Craigslist to further the decluttering process & to earn money for random things we want (like new iPhones). I've been altering bridesmaid dresses & practicing all my new sewing skills. And I planted some seeds. It's been pretty productive month or so. Here's my set up on the seeds :)

79. Beer glasses

80. iPhone 3G

81. Radar locator

So total counts:
Freecycle In: 6
Freecycle Out: 6 (I'm even!!)
100 things: 72

And here's the bridesmaid dress & jacket I altered from a size eight to a four. 

Minimalist Efforts Continue

I got rid of 14 items in the last week to some fellow Freecyclers; 12 of which had been gifted to me. I'm pretty happy that I've managed to not acquire anything else besides a juicer, which hubby got me for my birthday and our Christmas gift. (We've been using it daily and I'm loving it!) I'm also proud of myself for making it through seven months of the Voluntary Simplicity Vow. I'm continuing to crave to own less, get rid of more and I find I'm desiring to obtain less things. I love the new freedom I'm feeling to put my time and energy elsewhere, instead of taking care of my "stuff." I'm really looking forward to spring and summer so I can start using the clothesline again and dig out the compost pile from underneath all that snow. I'm planning to borrow some grow lights from a local organization. If you offer to grow two trays of seedlings for them, you have space to grow two trays for your own garden. So between those trays and the one grow light I own, I hope that'll be all I need. We watched a movie recently where the woman hadn't purchased a veggie in ten years. I was so inspired! I'm planning to dry and save my seeds this year for the first time. Just some more of my new efforts :)

60. iPod Speaker Dock
61-69. Bibs
70. Infant Bouncy Seat
71. Mobile
72-74. Infant Toys
75-78. Three White Shelves

So total counts:
Freecycle In: 6
Freecycle Out: 6 (I'm even!!)
100 things: 69

Randomness

NaNoWriMo has been off to a weird start this year. I'm usually all prepared to started writing come Nov. 1st. This year, I didn't even write my first word until around the 11th of Nov. I was on vacation, and I have an infant and what can I say? Time just got away from me. So, I'm definitely behind on my word count, but each day I'm writing more words in hopes that I'll reach 50K next week. 

I'm going to be 33 soon. That sounds so much older than 32 for some reason. So many things are different for me this birthday, than last. But the one I'm most proud of, is being a mother.

Sustainability efforts have continued as I started a compost pile after scavenging some free pallets. It's going just OK. I put the pile where I actually want the dirt come Spring, which means it's a littler further from the house to be ideal. I successfully cloth diapered on two trips by plane, one to Knoxville, one to DC/Newport News and other trip by car to Chicago/Madison. It felt great to not purchase something I already owned!

I told several friends recently of the Voluntary Simplicity Vow I took several months ago. To my shock, they just simply changed the subject! They didn't even ask a single question! It really caught me off guard and I had to join a FB group on Voluntary Simplicity to get recentered. Perhaps is the use of the word, "vow" instead of just this "thing" I'm doing. But it's more serious than just some fleeting thing. I'm having to find everything used... including all the stuff that would just be so much easier to buy new! (Oh wait, that's basically everything.) I was grateful that I continued to tell others about the vow as I continued to see old friends and the last two responded really supportively. One even mentioned a book she had been reading with a similar idea to Shiny Objects entitled Seven where the author gives herself a different challenge over seven months, to give away seven different types of things each month.

And finally, I'm grateful to have a few more items given to some fellow Freecyclers! I'm happy to report that I'm now halfway to my goal of getting rid of 100 things, that I didn't replace with more junk!

48-52. Four large sheets turned into curtains
53-59. Two sheer lace curtains and five lace valences. (All hand-stitched!)

So total counts:
Freecycle In: 6
Freecycle Out: 6 (I'm even!!)
100 things: 52

Giveaway and G updates

I've been falling lax on getting rid of things as I've been trying to concentrate on some different recovery issues. But I did manage to get rid of something that's been driving me crazy for awhile!

47. Infant Car seat

So total counts:
Freecycle In: 6
Freecycle Out: 6 (I'm even!!)
100 things: 41

In other news, G is starting to get his bottom two teeth so I guess he'll be saying "mama" first :) (As the upper two teeth help you say "dada.") For the most part he's handling it well. He's also eaten some of daddy's homemade applesauce, made from the apples we picked at the orchard. He's throughly loving it, evidenced by his attempts to lunge himself at the spoon and slurp the applesauce off the top before I get a chance to actually get it in his mouth. He is too cute :)

I love Freecyclers :)

Had a lady and her aunt stop by for a couple things on my Freecycle list. I invited them into my basement to examine my pile of growing items to give away. Here's what they left with. These were ecstatic :)

15. Bar tools set
16. Large luggage
17. Snowman picture frame
18. White curtain sheer
19. Tan curtain sheer
20-25. Six coffee mugs
26-33. Eight wine glasses
34. Two red curtain panels
35. Flower vase
36. White t-shirt
37. Pair of blue socks
38-41. Conference bags
42. Oil lamps
43. Wreath 
44. Travel coffee mug
45. Pair of flip-flops
46. Phone w/answering machine

So total counts:
Freecycle In: 6
Freecycle Out: 6 (I'm even!!)
100 things: 40

Bell's Brewery Homebrew Competition

So, yesterday I picked up my Bell's wort from from a friend that attending the tasting with his gf. This is truly a "P's" dream... It's a simple task. Transform ~5gal with your choice of hops and yeast ... maybe even more extract. Then boil, add sugar, bottle. It's madness! Complete liberty! Aaaahhhhhh!

Me, "I just finished reading the homebrew competition rules. I'm so nervous."
Hubby, "if it's bad; don't submit it. You have total freedom. Just be a P."
Me, "OK, but they (our aforementioned friends) are making two batches" (out of the wort).
Hubby, "He's an amateur. You're a pro. Just brew one; it'll be great."

Hahahaha... an amateur. This is the guy that taught me how to brew! Plus, he's gone off the recipe reservation far more many times that I have. The last batch I brewed I skipped the aroma hops and added orange slices instead. That's it. That's all the experimenting I've done! I feel I need to read up on this more, but I don't have the time! I have to get this boiling because it's in my third and last bucket. I have a Honey Porter & a Hazelnut & Chocolate Porter fermenting now. I need this third bucket to be able to transfer both porters into clearing. Then once I've done that I can move this wort into fermentation. But it's so much wort! I might need another bucket anyway! Aaahhhhhh!

Oh, I should also mention that first place gets their recipe brewed with a Bell's brewmaster and it'll be served on draft at Eccentric Cafe... no pressure to reproduce it. When have I ever made anything taste the same way twice??

Play-set, Garden fresh dinner & counts update

Play-set:
I always wanted a swing-set growing up. So now G has one at 4-months of age. Although Hubby says it's a play-set and not a swing-set. It is rather amazing. We bought it used, of course, and our old roomie helped Hubby disassemble, move and partially reassemble with another friend that came later. It has a rock climbing wall,rings, two big swings, one baby swing, one disc swing, slide, ramp, steering wheel and binoculars. It has a couple railing boards that need to be replaced, but the swings, slide and ramp are all in working order! I can't wait to look out the kitchen window watching him and his friends playing on it :)


Garden fresh dinner:
Tonight Shaun made garden fresh stuffed zucchini with garden fresh tomato basil sauce! It was delicious :) I couldn't get a good pictures of the dinner plate for some reason. And as you can see to the left, our garden is still producing red and yellow tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, green peppers and countless hot peppers. The Thai Hot Peppers are now starting to turn red thanks to the latest heat wave we had. I'm planning to save the water from the rain barrels in containers we would otherwise recycle. I'll use this water, I already have, to water my seeds and seedlings I'll be planting this winter. I'm starting to wish that every window in my house was actually a bay window so that I could set out all my little seedlings in the window sill and watch them grow. I'm just hoping Heleina doesn't thing I'm growing them for her.

Got rid of a few more things, yay!!

10. Half-full container of fabric softener. (I stopped using it a couple years ago and this poor container was just collecting dust.)
11. IKEA Metal clothesline. (I had hoped to put it on the other attic wall across from the other one I purchased that is currently being used to display cards. But I realized I didn't need it, nor did I have room.)
12-14. Three metal cookie tins to one happy, cookie-making, Freecycle recipient! 
So total counts:
Freecycle In: 6
Freecycle Out: 6 (I'm even!!)
100 things: 9 (Now that I've fulfilled my in vs out obligation, I'll just add to this list.... that is until I find something else I can't live without...)

hOur Exchange Ypsilanti - You have to do this!

So, I stumbled across this venture and am now completely stoked and can't wait to get others involved. The premise? Every hour of your time is worth an hour of someone else's time: weeding, therapy, weatherizing, fixing your car, knitting lesson, whatever! I bank an hour of my time providing a service to someone and then I can debit that hour of my time with whatever I need! It's an economy of time, instead of money. For a fuller review and to fill out your app, click here. Don't live in Ypsi? You might have one near you :)

The orientation I had to attend for my membership was held at the Ypsilanti Free Skool. A place with a similar concept. They want to provide free education of whatever: juggling, anarchistic theory and practice, whatever. I was definitely surrounded by my people.

In other news, I'm down another item to a freecycle member :)
9. Bar caddy

So total counts:
Freecycle In: 6
Freecycle Out: 5
100 things: 5

Newest Challenge: Get rid of 100 things!

So a friend told me about this other blogger's self-challenge to get rid of 100 things in 100 days. Well, I'm not one for confinement on the amount of time... but I've decided to take on the challenge and just get rid of 100 things. I've been adding things to Freecycle under the handle guenthea if you wanna check in on me. I am giving some things to friend's too. Here's what's gone so far:

1. Small diaper covers
2. MaryKay product bag (freecycled)
3. Sewing machine w/broken motor (freecycled)
4. Infant bathtub
5. Outlet sealers
6. Bummis disposable liners
7. Crib mattress
8. Plastic milk storage containers

In addition, I also want to get rid of one thing for everything I take on Freecycle. So far I've acquired:
1. 3-drawer unit that I have diapers in
2. Diaper bag full of diaper covers, bibs and other baby things
3. Boppy & cover - which I got w/the intent of giving away... so that cancels out
4. Fleece - which I used to make diaper liners and potty cozies
5. Christmas cards and decorations
6. 4-shelf unit that I put in the laundry area to organize all the bottles of laundry related items

So total counts:
Freecycle In: 6
Freecycle Out: 4
100 things: 5

I'm working my way towards simplicity :)

How Motherhood Has Changed Me

Well I've been a mother for 116 days now. I have to say that it's changed me mostly in ways I would've never dreamed of. Let's start with the fact that getting up at 7:30am isn't impossible. Yes, you read that correctly... I manage to be a somewhat functioning adult now as the sun is rising. I still wouldn't classify myself as a morning person since this new morning routine also includes hubby bringing me the deluxe breakfast tray to bed. (which includes coffee, oatmeal, bottle for G, & an extra bib.) It's caused me to become even worse at math than I was before (apparently that WAS possible). This meant that instead of planting a smaller garden this year, I ended up with 72 plants... oh, those plants come in a FOUR pack?! Oops. And I've had a surprisingly increased amount of time to read. Because my activity options are limited when I'm lying flat on my back with a baby on my chest. (Who knew something so tiny could immobilize an otherwise active adult?)

As a result  I read the book, Shiny Objects: Why We Spend Money We Don't Have in Search of Happiness We Can't Buy by James Roberts. Let's just say, I was quite convicted about reading this. The book is full of quizzes that test things like your contentment, impulsivity, self-control, materialism, and conflicting values. I scored horribly on nearly all the quizzes except recognizing product placements and actors used for them. (Shocker I know.) G was about two months old at this point and I decided I must change, lest he become just another consumer. Towards the end of the book, Roberts mentions "The Voluntary Simplicity Movement" and "The comPACT" which you can learn more about here. I got inspired and decided to do it - off the record. His motto is to barter, borrow, or buy used. I learned that homebrew is an excellent bartering tool for babysitting, helping with weeding and retractable clotheslines  It's been much easier than I imagined, but that lead into the newest endeavor in my life. 

Made from an old pickle barrel

I've also turned into a bit of sustainability nut, afterall, the garden is already planted, the clothesline is already up, I switched to the cup nearly 3yrs ago and I've been using my free stash of cloth diapers! I've become more diligent about unplugging everything and turning off power strips. (Hubby has agreed as long as I call them energy vampires.) I've really had to get creative when it comes to acquire needed things for a new baby in the house. I've been better about walking places I need to go or consolidating my stops. (Can't take the bike trailer until G is 1yr old.) We've been researching CSAs for the last several years, but decided we are ready to join. My mom got me a rain barrel for my 1st Mother's Day (which is from the county - a used (upcycled) pickle barrel!) Then we bought another one off of a friend that wasn't using hers. I've decided to save the water when we empty it for winter for my seedlings I'll start in the late winter. I attended a home energy workshop and learned about rope caulk, which I've been applying all over the house. I use cloth wipes, for me. I've also drug the candles back out for evening dinners. I'm enjoying EC'g, which I thought I would find more cumbersome, than easier, but it's been convenient and I enjoy washing diapers less often.

Red Thai Chilis

So am I more patient, loving, and kindhearted? Yeah, but I'm also just more conscious of all the ways our lifestyle will impact G - not just direct nurturing and parenting. And I already see myself becoming more grateful for all I have, not just Hubby & G.

Sweet Peppers

Zucchini

Jalapeno 

Tomatoes, Zucchini, Rhubarb, Cucumber & Raspberries

Hot peppers

Why Trauma Leads to Feeling Powerless

Before we look at the feeling of powerlessness of trauma victims,
let’s look at where trauma originates. Many of us have heard it that
one in three to four women and one in four to five men have been
sexually abused/assaulted by the time they reach 18-years-old. What we
may not know is that sexual abuse and assault account for only 38% of
trauma. The implication being, there is more trauma being experienced
in other ways.

The traumatic nature of an event is usually the element of surprise.
We are jolted from feeling safe, secure and comfortable to feeling
shame, vulnerability, and pain. Traumatic events can include a sudden
death, a car accident, witnessing a traumatic event (secondary
trauma), a natural disaster, diagnosis of an illness, or abandonment.
Certainly, there are sometimes when we can prepare for the actual
crisis itself, such is the case with some natural disasters, but there
was a moment when you went from being at rest, to having to cope with
the reality of a trauma event or crisis in your immediate future.
So, we have been surprised and are thus beginning the trauma reaction.
The person realizes they are unable to remove themselves from the
traumatic or abusive situation, which begins the feelings of feeling
hopelessness, helplessness, and powerlessness. These feelings will
intensify if the trauma is repeated and consistent. The victim will
feel the rush of cortisol running through their brain and body as they
attempt to determine what the next course of action will be. The
flight-or-fight response system has been activated, but proves
unhelpful as the trauma continues. Now the victim begins to dissociate
to cope with their feelings of powerlessness. The more powerless they
feel, the less hope they will have, only leading to feeling more
powerless.

Trauma victims need to see how they are not powerless and learn to
lean into healthy relationships for healing and hope. While they were
unable to stop the traumatic event from happening, they are not unable
to stop all negative things from happening to them.

www.crossrd.com

Forgiveness: It's Only About Me, Right?

We’ve all heard how important forgiveness is… for ME. Forgiving others is good for my mental and physical health, my emotional well-being and overall mood. Like you, I don’t want to carry around anger, bitterness, and resentment against others for the rest of my life; I make the choice to forgive so I can be a better me. However we don’t often hear about the difficulties in receiving forgiveness. The message is: forgiving others is really all about me. Or is it?

While I can’t deny the personal benefits received from forgiving someone else, I believe that forgiveness has far deeper implications to our minds and souls than simply feeling better. So, why should I forgive? The Biblical example of forgiveness is a gift of mercy from God to us. God does not forgive our sins simply for his benefit. He wants to enjoy us and to be with us forever. However, in order for this to be possible he needed to reconcile our sins. Clearly, God’s motives weren’t selfish in offering us forgiveness.

Also, when we forgive we reflect God’s glory. We are showing our hope in things yet-to-come and that our present actions impact our future. Now, even when we chose to forgive, it can be difficult to know how to proceed.

Mike Wilkerson in his book entitled, “Redemption: Freed by Jesus From the Idols We Worship and the Wounds We Carry” outlines five implications of choosing for forgive.

1. We forgive a “genuine debt.” This means that when something wrong, painful, unjust or hurtful happened to us, we shouldn’t simply shrug it off or ignore it. We acknowledge it. We feel the pain. We grieve the wrong.
2. “We should expect forgiveness to be costly.” God’s forgiveness to us cost him his son; it cost Jesus the agony of feeling abandoned by God. Believing that forgiveness is only about feeling better trivializes the price you pay to forgive someone that hurt you. You are making a difficult choice to absorb evil to prevent it from being passed on to someone else. You are choosing not to hurt others just because you have been hurt.
3. We “forgive generously.” When God chose to forgive us for our sins, he forgave all of them, not just the ones that were less hurtful to him or easiest for him to forgive. If we are going to forgive, we need to do so from the bottom of our heart.
4. We need to forgive before we receive an apology, or show repentance. The person that betrayed, hurt, or wounded us may never come to us and admit their wrongdoing. We can’t wait around wishing they will come to their senses. God did not wait for us to repent before providing a way back to him. He set the example of first forgiving us, even before we knew we needed to ask for forgiveness.
5. After we forgive, “allow for appropriate consequences.” Sometime the damage is already done and natural consequences should be allowed to continue. If they broke the law, then they need to face the legal consequences. To forgive doesn’t mean that we interrupt those consequences, or even take them upon ourselves. Should the wrongdoer remain unsafe even after these consequences, then continue to keep your distance.

It’s also important to look at receiving forgiveness from others. What impedes us from accepting forgiveness? Wilkerson expresses five common hurdles:

1. We consider ourselves a greater judge than God, or the person offering us forgiveness.
2. We’re looking for an idol to justify our fault. Maybe the idol is our parents’ approval or our idealized self-image. We see that even when forgiveness is offered we still don’t measure up and feel remorseful but not repentant.
3. We believe that our sin is a bigger deal to God, or the other person, than it is to us. We can’t really know how our wrongs impact another. And the fact is, God is more offended by our wrongs than we are.
4. We haven’t confessed. It’s hard to accept forgiveness when we haven’t admitted to any wrongdoing.
5. We want to control our own punishment thinking we are being noble. However, it’s better to be humble and accept the gift of forgiveness, feeling the joy that comes with being set free.

Take time now to see where you’re stuck. Are you having trouble forgiving someone else? It’s difficult, and I applaud your efforts on this journey. Are you having trouble receiving the forgiveness of God or another? Know that it’s a gift, so you can accept it and feel the joy.

- Adrianne G. Clarke, MA, TLLP

Originally posted at: www.crossrd.com

How Trauma Can Be Good

Post-Traumatic Stress can seem only negative as someone starts to pick up the shattered pieces of their heart and rebuild their life. But, in fact, trauma survivors have been found to have many positives on their side. Post-traumatic growth is the idea that after someone has been through a traumatic event they are likely to see positives from their experience that leads to personal growth and change. They are able to have greater empathy and compassion for others because they have survived traumatic events and are in need of compassion and empathy themselves. Because the trauma victim has survived an event, or possibly repeated traumatic events they can feel more capable of conquering other difficult tasks. Their capacity to experience intimacy in relationship with God and others can increase as their walls of personal defense were destroyed. They can become more comfortable with intimacy as safe and healthy people surround them and build trust with them. Post-traumatic growth is a helpful concept when caring for someone with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. As a caregiver, you can instill hope in the survivor by helping them draw on their tremendous strength that helped them survive their trauma and use it again to walk along the path of healing. Tap into their compassion and empathy they have for others and turn it onto themselves. This can be difficult as it is often easier to have more compassion for others than themselves as false guilt and shame enters in. They can begin to see themselves with God’s eyes and allow themselves room for healing.

Helping Your Grieving Friend

At some point you will be called to stand beside your friend as they encounter a season of grieving. I see more tears from inappropriate comments made during this season than any other. We all mean well, but sometimes we’re simply hurtful. How can we improve? Let’s begin by looking at what grief is and how are friends get there. Grieving is a state of distress and sorrow. Biblical characters were said to be “clothed in sackcloth and ashes” when they were grieving. This was an outward sign of the emotional upheaval they were feeling on the inside; they would literally rub ashes on their head and wear a coarse garment made from goat or camel’s hair or hemp. Our friends may encounter something unexpected or ongoing like grieving the loss of a parent (by death, or losing them slowly as they deteriorate, such as the case with dementia or Alzheimers), the death of a sibling or child (miscarriage, newborn, toddler, teen, etc), the loss of a job, inability to have children (infertility), a child that’s runaway (physically or emotionally), desiring to be married when they are still single and the list goes on. Sometimes are friends grieve as their state of life changes, empty-nesters (children leave home), become parents (losing their unstructured free time), getting married (losing their independence), a planned job/career change, move to a new city, school or country, etc. It’s important for all of us to keep in mind that some wounds will not be completely healed this side of Heaven. Our desire for a “quick-fix” comment often only leaves us feeling less uncomfortable watching our friend mourn – it will not make them feel “all better.” Now let’s see what people say, and what they could say instead. Your friend does not need to hear that “it will all be better” because you can’t personally guarantee that. They do need to hear that, “one day you will awake and it will hurt a little less, and then a little less still.” Your friend does not need to hear that you understand their pain or loss. You may well have encountered a similar situation, but we all have different pasts that allow us to process our pains differently. They do need to hear that you will be beside them while they process through their pain and that you won’t run away from them when it gets hard, or uncomfortable. A statement like, “I know it’s hard” or “I’m sorry” can be exactly what they need to hear. Your friend does not need to hear, “it’s OK,” but they do need to hear, “you’re OK.” People in grief do not feel that they are OK: they need to know “it’s” not OK (whatever “it” is), but they are OK. What they are feeling is normal. Your friend does not need to hear how they feel, “You must be devastated,” “You must feel torn to shreds,” and the like. They do need to be asked how they are feeling and then allowed to talk or think it through to figure out how they are feeling. We need to listen to our friend and ask them questions instead of assuming we know what they are going through. Your friend does not additional forms of false hope (like the “it’s OK” or “it will all be better” stated above). These can come in the form of “Maybe next month you’ll get pregnant,” “You can always find another job, maybe one you even like better,” “You’ll find the right man/woman,” “I’m sure they’re in Heaven,” or “They’ll come back someday.” Again, we can’t guarantee these statements and things can look worse before they get better. They do need to hear that ultimately Jesus is our hope, comfort, and strength and they can do all things through Him. They need to hear that His burden is easy and His yoke is light and they can call upon Him to be their refuge. And Jesus does know how they feel and can grieve with them. Your friend does not need to be placated with statements like “At least they were old and Lived a good life,” “You didn’t really like your boss anyway,” “Why don’t you just adopt,” or “Think about what you could do with all your free time now.” They need to know that it’s OK to be where they are in their grieving process and they don’t need to hopeful about the future just yet when they are still ruminating on the past. You can be their hope when they can't hope themselves. We are probably most family with the Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as “The Five Stages of Grief” (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). I find “The 7 States of Grief” to be more comprehensive. (The following is taken from the website: http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html). This is what your friend will go through as they grieve. Remember these are cyclical and not linear, so your friend will flow through each stage several times for weeks, months, or years. SHOCK & DENIAL - You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks. PAIN & GUILT – As the shock wears off, it is replaced with suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one. Life feels choatic and scary during this phase. ANGER & BARGAINING – Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death of someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rain against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair. DEPRESSION, REFELECTION, LONELINESS – Just when your friends may think you be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this state of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things youdid with your lost one (or wish you had done) and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. THE UPWARD TURN - As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a litte calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessens, and your depressions begins to lift slightly. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH – As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him/her. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE – You learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled you that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward. You will start to look forward and actually plain things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living. Sometimes all you need to tell your friend is, “This stinks. I love you.”

Healing In The Eyes Of Community

Have you ever thought about what you learn about yourself when you gaze into someone's eyes: do you feel loved, accepted and cherished? do you feel scared, judged and dehumanized? Think about the messages you received when you looked into your parents' eyes. What do your friends think about you? What do the eyes of God reveal about who you really are? Our view of how God sees us is often determined by how people treat us and affirm us. As we examine the various mental images and messages we gather about ourselves from the eyes of others, it can be easy to feel insecure and uncertain of our place and purpose in this world - especially if those messages have been quite varied. Yet, God says we are his beloved, his cherished son/daughter. His eyes are gentle, full of mercy and grace and he desires to be reconciled to his people. The way to restore our view of ourselves from the broken messages received from others into the Truth of how God sees us is through community. Being in relationships with others who model God's grace, promotes healing of the wounds from our past. God lovingly created us in his image and placed us in a fallen world to bear that image. How are you displaying God's image in your community? - Adrianne G. Clarke, MA, TLLPHave you ever thought about what you learn about yourself when you gaze into someone's eyes: do you feel loved, accepted and cherished? do you feel scared, judged and dehumanized? Think about the messages you received when you looked into your parents' eyes. What do your friends think about you? What do the eyes of God reveal about who you really are? Our view of how God sees us is often determined by how people treat us and affirm us. As we examine the various mental images and messages we gather about ourselves from the eyes of others, it can be easy to feel insecure and uncertain of our place and purpose in this world - especially if those messages have been quite varied. Yet, God says we are his beloved, his cherished son/daughter. His eyes are gentle, full of mercy and grace and he desires to be reconciled to his people. The way to restore our view of ourselves from the broken messages received from others into the Truth of how God sees us is through community. Being in relationships with others who model God's grace, promotes healing of the wounds from our past. God lovingly created us in his image and placed us in a fallen world to bear that image. How are you displaying God's image in your community?

You might be wondering if therapy will be of any help to you because you know it won't change your present circumstances. So, what is psychotherapy and what can it do for you? Psychotherapy is an opportunity to discuss life's most difficult circumstances and feelings in a safe, confidential environment where you can receive tools to help you learn to cope with these difficulties more effectively. It can also help you work through the pains of your past that will lead you on the path of healing. Your therapist can help you see your circumstances differently and offer you a space to practice your new-found skills. So let's get practical. You've decided therapy might be in your future, but are anxious about what will go on. First, you will come to our office and fill out just a few, simple forms that ask for your basic information, symptoms and what your goals are for meeting with a therapist. Then, you have a seat on our couch and we'll continue to collect some family history and your present circumstances that brought you were you are today. It's important to note that you don't have to answer any questions you are uncomfortable answering. Payment will be taken and you will be on your way feeling relieved that you've taken the first step in a more healthy you. After your first session is complete, your therapist will create some treatment goals for you to help guide you on the path to healing. So while your therapist can't change your circumstances, they can guide you on how to change your thoughts, attitudes and false beliefs to help you receive the healing you need to be healthier.