Helping Your Grieving Friend

At some point you will be called to stand beside your friend as they encounter a season of grieving. I see more tears from inappropriate comments made during this season than any other. We all mean well, but sometimes we’re simply hurtful. How can we improve? Let’s begin by looking at what grief is and how are friends get there. Grieving is a state of distress and sorrow. Biblical characters were said to be “clothed in sackcloth and ashes” when they were grieving. This was an outward sign of the emotional upheaval they were feeling on the inside; they would literally rub ashes on their head and wear a coarse garment made from goat or camel’s hair or hemp. Our friends may encounter something unexpected or ongoing like grieving the loss of a parent (by death, or losing them slowly as they deteriorate, such as the case with dementia or Alzheimers), the death of a sibling or child (miscarriage, newborn, toddler, teen, etc), the loss of a job, inability to have children (infertility), a child that’s runaway (physically or emotionally), desiring to be married when they are still single and the list goes on. Sometimes are friends grieve as their state of life changes, empty-nesters (children leave home), become parents (losing their unstructured free time), getting married (losing their independence), a planned job/career change, move to a new city, school or country, etc. It’s important for all of us to keep in mind that some wounds will not be completely healed this side of Heaven. Our desire for a “quick-fix” comment often only leaves us feeling less uncomfortable watching our friend mourn – it will not make them feel “all better.” Now let’s see what people say, and what they could say instead. Your friend does not need to hear that “it will all be better” because you can’t personally guarantee that. They do need to hear that, “one day you will awake and it will hurt a little less, and then a little less still.” Your friend does not need to hear that you understand their pain or loss. You may well have encountered a similar situation, but we all have different pasts that allow us to process our pains differently. They do need to hear that you will be beside them while they process through their pain and that you won’t run away from them when it gets hard, or uncomfortable. A statement like, “I know it’s hard” or “I’m sorry” can be exactly what they need to hear. Your friend does not need to hear, “it’s OK,” but they do need to hear, “you’re OK.” People in grief do not feel that they are OK: they need to know “it’s” not OK (whatever “it” is), but they are OK. What they are feeling is normal. Your friend does not need to hear how they feel, “You must be devastated,” “You must feel torn to shreds,” and the like. They do need to be asked how they are feeling and then allowed to talk or think it through to figure out how they are feeling. We need to listen to our friend and ask them questions instead of assuming we know what they are going through. Your friend does not additional forms of false hope (like the “it’s OK” or “it will all be better” stated above). These can come in the form of “Maybe next month you’ll get pregnant,” “You can always find another job, maybe one you even like better,” “You’ll find the right man/woman,” “I’m sure they’re in Heaven,” or “They’ll come back someday.” Again, we can’t guarantee these statements and things can look worse before they get better. They do need to hear that ultimately Jesus is our hope, comfort, and strength and they can do all things through Him. They need to hear that His burden is easy and His yoke is light and they can call upon Him to be their refuge. And Jesus does know how they feel and can grieve with them. Your friend does not need to be placated with statements like “At least they were old and Lived a good life,” “You didn’t really like your boss anyway,” “Why don’t you just adopt,” or “Think about what you could do with all your free time now.” They need to know that it’s OK to be where they are in their grieving process and they don’t need to hopeful about the future just yet when they are still ruminating on the past. You can be their hope when they can't hope themselves. We are probably most family with the Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as “The Five Stages of Grief” (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). I find “The 7 States of Grief” to be more comprehensive. (The following is taken from the website: http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html). This is what your friend will go through as they grieve. Remember these are cyclical and not linear, so your friend will flow through each stage several times for weeks, months, or years. SHOCK & DENIAL - You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks. PAIN & GUILT – As the shock wears off, it is replaced with suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one. Life feels choatic and scary during this phase. ANGER & BARGAINING – Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death of someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rain against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair. DEPRESSION, REFELECTION, LONELINESS – Just when your friends may think you be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this state of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things youdid with your lost one (or wish you had done) and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. THE UPWARD TURN - As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a litte calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessens, and your depressions begins to lift slightly. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH – As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him/her. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE – You learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled you that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward. You will start to look forward and actually plain things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living. Sometimes all you need to tell your friend is, “This stinks. I love you.”

Healing In The Eyes Of Community

Have you ever thought about what you learn about yourself when you gaze into someone's eyes: do you feel loved, accepted and cherished? do you feel scared, judged and dehumanized? Think about the messages you received when you looked into your parents' eyes. What do your friends think about you? What do the eyes of God reveal about who you really are? Our view of how God sees us is often determined by how people treat us and affirm us. As we examine the various mental images and messages we gather about ourselves from the eyes of others, it can be easy to feel insecure and uncertain of our place and purpose in this world - especially if those messages have been quite varied. Yet, God says we are his beloved, his cherished son/daughter. His eyes are gentle, full of mercy and grace and he desires to be reconciled to his people. The way to restore our view of ourselves from the broken messages received from others into the Truth of how God sees us is through community. Being in relationships with others who model God's grace, promotes healing of the wounds from our past. God lovingly created us in his image and placed us in a fallen world to bear that image. How are you displaying God's image in your community? - Adrianne G. Clarke, MA, TLLPHave you ever thought about what you learn about yourself when you gaze into someone's eyes: do you feel loved, accepted and cherished? do you feel scared, judged and dehumanized? Think about the messages you received when you looked into your parents' eyes. What do your friends think about you? What do the eyes of God reveal about who you really are? Our view of how God sees us is often determined by how people treat us and affirm us. As we examine the various mental images and messages we gather about ourselves from the eyes of others, it can be easy to feel insecure and uncertain of our place and purpose in this world - especially if those messages have been quite varied. Yet, God says we are his beloved, his cherished son/daughter. His eyes are gentle, full of mercy and grace and he desires to be reconciled to his people. The way to restore our view of ourselves from the broken messages received from others into the Truth of how God sees us is through community. Being in relationships with others who model God's grace, promotes healing of the wounds from our past. God lovingly created us in his image and placed us in a fallen world to bear that image. How are you displaying God's image in your community?

You might be wondering if therapy will be of any help to you because you know it won't change your present circumstances. So, what is psychotherapy and what can it do for you? Psychotherapy is an opportunity to discuss life's most difficult circumstances and feelings in a safe, confidential environment where you can receive tools to help you learn to cope with these difficulties more effectively. It can also help you work through the pains of your past that will lead you on the path of healing. Your therapist can help you see your circumstances differently and offer you a space to practice your new-found skills. So let's get practical. You've decided therapy might be in your future, but are anxious about what will go on. First, you will come to our office and fill out just a few, simple forms that ask for your basic information, symptoms and what your goals are for meeting with a therapist. Then, you have a seat on our couch and we'll continue to collect some family history and your present circumstances that brought you were you are today. It's important to note that you don't have to answer any questions you are uncomfortable answering. Payment will be taken and you will be on your way feeling relieved that you've taken the first step in a more healthy you. After your first session is complete, your therapist will create some treatment goals for you to help guide you on the path to healing. So while your therapist can't change your circumstances, they can guide you on how to change your thoughts, attitudes and false beliefs to help you receive the healing you need to be healthier.

Things that confuse me about Americans... & Italians

1. Americans seem willing to eat or drink pretty much anything... At a gas station in Italy, I was served fresh squeezed orange juice. I received a beer anywhere I went, not be mention an excellent caffe. Can't decide where to eat while roaming the streets of any small Italian village? No problem, their all way better than most places you'd actually seek out in the States.

2. Americans care about things. We put them behind temperature controlled glass and put alarms all around them. Nature however is not worth quite that level of protection. Perhaps because we have plenty of nature and not art? Italians go out of their way to protect nature and expose art to all the "damage" of the elements and human contact.

3. Americans get quite agitated and rude when things don't go efficiently and how they want. Italians seem not fazed by so called delays or disruptions. Perhaps it's all the wine.

4. Americans can be seen not wearing the appropriate winter attire while being outside. Italians wear coats and other winter gear as part of their outfit. To go outside without a coat is to risk being called an "americano" by a nearby Italian.

5. Americans seem to think everyone speaks English, or perhaps they just think they should, thereby making few attempts to speak the language and resort to pointing to what they want. Italians appreciate those that attempt to communicate in Italian or another European language as they speak several.

6. Americans switch their fork between their right and left hands while eating. This seems to waste time, which is odd for them to do since we have a culture that prides itself on efficiency and productivity. Italians eat with their fork in their left-hand... all the time.

7. For some unknown reason, American wine under $7 is not exactly drinkable. Yet a bottle of wine in Italy for 3 euro is amazing.

8. Since we're talking about wine... when you purchase it State-side, each bottle is carefully wrapped in a paper bag. In Italy, wine is treated as water and all bottles purchased (be it 2 or 10) are all lumped together in one flimsy, yet large, plastic bag.

9. Americans like promptness. They like to be on time, and expect others to be timely which includes all bills. In Italy, the water bill is mailed once a year. The utility bill is mailed when they feel like (which could be six months or more leaving you with a 1000 euro bill). However, if you are pulled over with a police officer you are expected to pay your ticket on the spot. If you don't have the cash - they'll follow you until you do.

10. Americans like to recycle and force recycling to some extent - more or less depending on where you live. Italians are issued 52 bags for trash each year. Now that is a new level of forced recycling.

11. Americans have a bizarre relationship with alcohol and yet most states I believe have a legal driving limit around 0.08 and seem to encourage getting our past DUI offenders back on the road. Italy loves it's alcohol and yet has a legal driving limit of 0.05. Should you get a DUI in Italy, they will take possession of your car... permanently (even if you're still paying on it).

Buon Natale

We're throughly enjoying our 1st Christmas outside of the States. We slept in, worked out, made the pie filling and rolled out the dough, baked the chocolate pecan pie, got ready, threw in the lamb, boys played COD, girls Skyped, and now getting ready to eat. I'm trying to convince them all to go to some place warm for Christmas next year since it seemed everyone's flight was delayed coming in and out of Europe. I'm voting for Australia! Too bad it's such a long flight though. I might need more than one crochet project for that trip. I already finished Shaun's scarf I started on this one.

Trieste

The four of us went to Trieste yesterday. As we were driving through narrow roads with cars parked along both sides, Heather folded in her rear-view mirror and this quick paced Italian music was playing the radio. The entire scene reminded me the driving scene in the movie "French Kiss" where Luc is driving the stolen car through the streets of Paris. Only in this case, none of us were freaking out like Kate, but the music was similar. We went to a church and a fortress which were both really cool. The rain actually held off for a nice change. We got a fair bit of walking in though not as much as we did in Venice for sure! All of us had sore feet that night, so we were relieved to not have that much walking to do. We made another delicious meal at home and did all our shopping for Christmas dinner. I can't wait!

Veneiza

Went to Venice and I fell in love. I was fantasizing about staying there and living by the water. I'm picking up the language quickly enough... I'm sure I could find a job, right?! Even though it rained all day, we were still able to really enjoy ourselves. We saw lots of art at different churches and a museum. We went to San Marco's Basilica which was stunning and so was the view despite the fog. I'm really glad we came on this trip. We're having such a great time! (As if I didn't say that already.)

Ama stare in Italia

Our Italian trip continues in a relaxed state. Shaun stayed up last night until 6:30 this morning to watch the Bears game. Da Bears won, so his lack of sleep was apparently worth it :) Heather and I stayed up until 3:30 to get Shaun ready to watch the game and then to wake up Adam for work. After sleeping in, Heather, Shaun and I headed to an Italian supermarket for some things we needed to our Italian Christmas dinner. We got some good wines for 3 euro each. What is wrong with the wine in the states?! This wine is so good. Heather said at dinner tonight that we really enjoy food (after we talked about a meal we ate two years ago). Yes, we do appreciate the nuances of life. We all ate a pizzeria for dinner. I was a little nervous when all the other patrons were Americans. The crust was thicker than normal, but still good. The gellato was too cold and had some ice chips in it. So not the best meal, but good nonetheless - as in still better than most places and basically all chains in the States ;)

Meanwhile we're having some quality time while we're here. We've had some good convo with his brother and sister-in-law. We talked to some friends on Skype back home today that we're praying and doing accountability with. They are always encouraging and good at helping us put words to our feelings. We have enjoyed meeting with both of these couples and getting to know them more fully. It's been a blessing that during a time where we have felt in a dessert for other Christian couples, that the Lord has provided for some companionship. We have also been grateful that it's been fairly sunny so far (although it's supposed to rain all day when we go to Venice to walk around tomorrow). And Shaun has won at Settler's twice which he is quite excited about!

Italy so far

We ended up staying awake from 830AM Thursday to 11PM Friday. It was brutal. We can tell you the whole glob of stories later, but we basically would get bored waiting in one queue and go to another one. After the end of the day we ended up back in the same queue we started in - trying to get a hotel room. (Another lady we were in front of Friday said she waited in the hotel line for 7hrs, so we actually didn't miss anything.) So we got a free hotel room, dinner, 2 drinks each and a little overnight bag with a shirt, socks, and various toiletries that have been serving us well since we still don't have our bags yet. So that was Thursday night. Then Friday morning we arrived at the airport around 9AM and spent about an hour wandering around trying to figure how where to go. Then we waited in an extremely long (possible 6 mi) queue for 6hrs before re-booking a flight for 810PM. At about 845 they started kicking people out of the airport that had not rebooked. So we are extremely grateful we got that flight.

Meanwhile in queue, people were getting quite restless. One dude thought another one was cutting and another guy called him a dick but the guy wasn't cutting, he actually already had a boarding pass and had been waiting for 4 hours for nothing! It was by far the funnies thing I had heard all day. We had been all lighthearted and laughing the whole time and finally someone asked where we were from and we were all shocked that we're Americans! Look - we're finally getting a good name! And we chatted w/some Scottish guy, Colin the whole time. We have some stories about him later. But he was really fun. After about 5hrs he finally asked what I did and I said I was psychologist, specializing in trauma. He said, OH! Well no wonder this isn't bothering you! I guess your work really puts things into perspective! LOL :) Yeah, I guess so. I must admit that my entire perspective on queues as now been permanently changed. Then while waiting for our luggage some guy asked another lady how long she had been in Amsterdam and said he got in that line at 6AM and when he finally got to the front of the line he told the lady, "you get me a seat on a flight or I'm going home with you tonight. I guess she didn't want me to go home with her! HAHAHA" So, the lady asks him where he's from, and he said, "Oh I'm from Georgia." And she just goes, "Ah." Oh my gosh... STOP TALKING! No wonder people hate Americans.

Today was relaxing. We slept in til 1 and then sat around the house. We went to downtown and there was an outdoor market going on (maybe b/c of Christmas?) which was not normal so that was fun. We ate a hole-in-the-wall place and spoke all italiano. The funniest part was that I didn't look up what 1/2 liter of wine was so I thought it was litre e mezzo, which was actually a liter and a half of wine. We really wanted mezzo litre. Pssh. It was only an 8 euro mistake and we were able to finish it w/o problem :)

Adam & Heather have 2 cocker spaniels that are quite energetic. They are not bothering my allergies too much yet, but they have all tile flooring, so I know that helps. I know I'm glad God provided that for us for the two days of being awake (36hrs straight) and then 16hrs in queues. It was quite remarkable how calm I was which helped keep S calm. We still don't have our bags, but Adam & Heather's clothes are making do so that's a praise.

Embryo Adoption

So Shaun & I attended an adoption orientation meeting at Bethany, last Tuesday. The meeting went very well and they presented our different adoption options. Of all the options, embryo adoption seems the most appealing. Many of you asked me what that entails, so I'll try to line that out for you. Basically it's the latter half of the IVF process. Someone else's embryo would be carried by me allowing me the chance to be pregnant and recognized as the child's parents at birth. (They would have no genetic relation to either of us.)There's a 32% chance the embryo will go to full term. The adoption is a contract, so the donor's rights are terminated at the embryo's release instead of having a waiting period like a standard adoption where someone can reclaim their rights. You can read more about it here.

Novelist

I have successfully completed another novel for National Novel Writing Month. This year proved to be a healthy outlet for my rage as I wrote a sailing murder mystery. I had a lot of fun and realized in the process that I am a horrible murderer. I had a hard time coming with with dialogue for the murder scenes and an even harder time trying to decide if justice should prevail for my murderer, who was also the main character. So for any of you who were concerned you might be next, have no fear. I can't even write about it... let alone carry it out. I also took a brave step of sending it to two friends for "fun." I have yet to figure out what about this is fun as they are both critical thinkers... and well... critical people. But I suppose if I ever plan to at least print and bind one of these things, I should at least have someone get rid of my typos. Last year I was completely over writing when I did NaNoWriMo. Probably because I was in the throws of my 2nd year of grad school and writing a bunch of paper ta boot. This year I am actually lamenting that the month is over and actually feel compelled to perhaps work on this one a little more. And I'm already compiling suggestions for next year :)

"I think stories help us fight the nihilistic urges that constantly threaten to consume us."

We own a house!

I confess I feel so adult now! I can't believe I own my own house! It's exciting, yet nerveracking, fun and stressful all at the same time! Closing went fairly smoothly and our realtor was giddy about us finding and getting this house. The owners left all the keys and manuals with little sticky notes to tell us what everything was. Their eldest daughter wrote us a note telling us about all the memories she had of this house including what they played in the yard, basement and

Our first official guests were J&AR :) AR thought the house was quite fun, but we'll see if her opinion changes once we add some furniture. Upon our 1st 20mins of ownership we had a solicitation from a windom-guy and two neighborhood kids welcoming us to the neighbor with flowers and inquiring if we had kids. We had Pastor Bob come over today to pray for us and our new home.

We spoke with our organizing consultant about getting our closet systems designed and ordered! Then had SS & SJ over to help tape for the painting party! It was quite fun. US & our roomie also had our 1st meal in the new house... Ahmos of course. We got the new brick and tile ordered for the fireplace.

So much to be done and too much on my mind...

1 Day to Go!!

The final push for packing went extremely well. Apart from the kitchen, which is mostly untouched, the house is basically packed. It's a weird feeling to be doing things for the last time. We walked to the Mallets Creek Library for the last time. Probably cooked our last meal in the alley kitchen. And had a guest over for lunch. One of our pastors is coming to the house tomorrow to bless it and I'm really excited about that and leaving some memories behind in the townhouse.

2 Days & Counting!!!

So we picked out a new face for the fireplace and nearly all the paint colors today :) (At least all the paint colors we need to paint this week.) I'm so excited I keep thinking we close tomorrow!

Meanwhile, I had a blast sailing today and gave my 1st 2 lessons! My students said I did a great job which was both amusing and comforting. Then I went to a Mead Tasting in Ferndale which was quite good and now feel inspired to make my own mead. I told S I would prefer to have a "cellar" that consisted of meads, beers and wines were brewing, instead of 3000 bottles of some stuff we bought. I think this will be a fun yet tasty new hobby! (And I now have plenty of room to do it!)

3 Days & Counting

So we're closing on Monday after all! I'm so excited. Went sailing today, which was a lot of fun. Had dinner w/friends which was yummy and funny. Time for bed!

5 Days & Counting Take 2

Moving date got moved back a day... it was going to smoothly I guess. In other news our CD library has officially been saved into our iTunes library... whew... that only took 2 weeks! Now I can happily not feel the need to unpack these two boxes... at least not for awhile!

5 Days & Counting!!!!

So we received the final mortgage approval today and we're all officially set to close Monday! The boys have been doing a ton of packing and I think we're in pretty good shape for where we are. I suggested we move the kitchen early next week and then just eat dinners at the new house :)

6 Days & Counting!

It's amazing to me how much you don't need to live. A large majority of our possessions are in boxes, and yet we are still functioning... whaddya know...

One Week & Counting

So we're closing on our house in one week. I'm excited, yet anxious about the amount of boxes that still need to be packed. Shaun & I spent several hours packing this evening and my nest is officially in complete disarray. I hate that my nest is out of order. I ended up reading a copy of "Real Simple" today so I could look at pictures of places more organized and fun than my own home. I got some great new ideas of things to try to! It's weird to think about moving into a place that I won't be moving out of for quite sometime.

I laughed with one of my supervisors today as she pointed out that it seems like I feel trapped in the Mitten, while logically knowing I'm not. So many things, well people really, make it hard to live here. So many more things and people make me want to stay. It's weird to be known and start a season of learning to deepen relationships further than I have experienced up until now. My inner-gypsy is learning to re-channel her efforts into some more exotic vacation destinations instead of packing up and moving across the country again. (At least for now.)

I'm excited to be partnering in business and looking at all the things God has in store for us there. There's a lot in transition right now. Shaun teased that perhaps my life doesn't feel chaotic enough while I was asking him what he thought of interracial adoption. I assured him I wasn't look to adopt 11 children the same age this year, but just wanted some feedback ;) So if you know anyone that wants to help us pack... would you be so kind as to please send them our way!

Burden or Selfishness?

Anger rose in me again today as I thought of people in my life that are pushing that extremely large button I have. We'll call it, "the useless button." Not because I find these people actually useless, but merely because I haven't a clue what else to call it at the moment. The button's parameters have the following traits:
1. People paralyzed by fear to the point of being unable to move forward for months/years at a time.
2. People that seem to be blissfully unaware of the needs of others around them to the point of fulfilling their own selfish desires until specially told how they are needed.
3. People that too prideful to realize how their actions affect those around them, or even that their actions have an impact on anyone other than themselves.

While contemplating my anger I decided to take my own advice I give often. When angry, find a way to tap into your empathy for that person. This is mainly because anger often has a selfish root. So I decided to figure out how I'm being selfish.