Caring --> Not Caring

I asked someone tonight how one goes from caring for someone to stop caring for someone? Their reply, "because they didn't care in the first place." Awesome. Why didn't they care? How do you have a relationship with someone and not care? I wanna know how to do that! Even people I don't like, or strongly detest, I still care about. I don't wish harm upon them and am sad when they experience illness, job termination and the like. Alas, why do they not care about others? How self-absorbed could you possibly be? If you don't care, then you are just using people to meet your own needs, and then once they're no longer of use to you, they can be cast aside like a piece of trash - never to be thought of again. Like the flowers of the ground, when the wind carries them away, the ground remembers them no more. I am a flower... lost to the wind.

More Excitement

So, yesterday was the first Saturday Boat School I've been able to attend in like a month. Between Women on Target, and 2 weddings I haven't been around on Saturdays. So, I exceeded my goal again, this time passing the Capsizing and Rules tests. Commodore Kevin was very through on my Rules Test. He must be an "SJ." I stayed for Intermediate School and got to go out again, this time for like an hour and a half. Needless to say, I am quite burnt. Heat was radiating off me at lobster proportions last night and today. But at least I had fun.

A bunch of us were going to see Shakespeare in the Arb last night and opted for a house party instead. We have great grilled food, and brownies :) AR was most impressed w/Shaun's mac & cheese requesting "more noodles" several times. JR said that the boys have spoiled her by taking her to Panda and letting her have "mice" AND noodles. So now when JR says she's making rice, AR says, "and noodles?" She's hilarious. I haven't laughed that much in awhile and realized it's nice to have friends now that aren't connected to old friends. And I'm really enjoying the company of other women lately. Which is cool considering one of my New Year's resolutions was to spend more time with Christian women!

All that laughter came in handy as today was a sad day overall. I just wish I didn't care, or hurt, or thought about it anymore...

4 Follies

Quick update. We could end up w/quads. I'm more scared of not getting any than getting quads though. I hate the waiting game. I hate wanting. I hate caring. And sadly, most of me still seems to hate desires... or at least this desire. So we'll see what happens I guess.

More Sailing Tests

So my goals now has become to get at least one thing checked off each time I'm at the club. Tonight, I exceeded my goal by getting both my rigging and unrigging tests signed off! I was super excited that I got the boat all rigged and was content to simply take it back ashore. But Rob suggested to go out and he would crew for me. It turned out to be a great lesson and now finally feel comfortable tacking. (Which is pretty important.) I had fun and my roomie got to kayak around the lake and had a great time too. What a pleasant evening at the lake :)

Women on Target

Today was my 2nd appearance at the annual Women on Target event hosted by the NRA and the Tri-County Sportmans League of Saline. I actually did well at archery this year (the coach next to me said I was doing better than him, he's now embarrassed and thinks I need to go Target Shooting w/him). Still had a blast at the Action & Pin Shoots where I was again told, "you are a natural" (or maybe I can just follow directions well) and "don't let any man try to give you a 22 when you get bulls-eyes w/a 45." 12 & 20 gauge shot guns at the Trap & Turkey shoots respectively were not much to write home about. (I did better last year.) Really enjoyed the 22 Rifle range (where I did do better last year). Last stop: 22 Ruger Pistol range where proceeding the event my coach requesting a picture with me as I was the only perfect score of the day, then hunted me down after the event to force me to sign up for a competition in July.... What just happened?! Well, at least I had a blast and found a few guns I would buy!

Adventures Needed

It occurred to me that my blog theme is being at sea... the concept of where you're just floating around, waiting to see where you go and what gets washed up on shore with you. Yet, I can't for the life of you tell you why I did this. When my friend was helping me set up my blog she wanted to know what to call it... and that's literally the 1st thing that came to mind... thoughts from afar, as though I was at sea, looking for the shore.

Ironically 7yrs later, I have joined the UofM Sailing Club. This too was a snap decision. My friend told me about it on like a Thursday about a month ago, and then in that moment, I realized I should join. Friday while he and I were at lunch w/Shaun, I told him I wanted to do it. And Saturday we were out at the club. The following week I began to wonder what I had gotten myself into as my friend and I began to practice knot tying and I totally panicked. "Ummm," I'm thinking to myself as my friend, and now my roommate are casually picking up all these knots from a You Tube video and I'm left with some sort of twisted piece of rope I'm not sure will come undone. "Maybe I should quit the sailing club, this was a dumb idea, I'm not a sailor!" These were my second thoughts as I have now switched to be one-on-one tutored by my roommate on how to tie these knots. "I can't believe I think I can do this." Another thought after failing my 1st "Knots Test." And this does not include the myriad of thoughts swirling about physics... how much I hate it, why would I possibly need to know any of it to sail, and aren't we just supposed to be having fun here?! Fun does not include math people!

So then comes this past Saturday. My friend is out of state visiting family, so I had to go it alone. You know alert I am in the morning, and despite him loaning me his GPS to get me there, I still got lost. (Somehow I chose the wrong "Favorites" address... which luckily was right by I-94.) Yet, even more surprising is that I arrived 10mins early! (Seriously like a record...) So here I am, 2nd person there, and the Vice Commadore tells me to go rig a boat. "Oh sure, no problem, yeah, umm, where are the sails? I need a what? A rudder? Where's that? Oh yeah, of course right in front of me... because I didn't even know what I was looking for.) So of course, I have done no reading in my lil sailing book; nor have I seen anyone rig a boat before in my life. Well, here we go. So the skipper stands on the dock (above me) coaching me how to rig this boat. Then I got out for a sailing lesson with this super competitive and talkative chick. (I was so glad I had eased into my morning by this point.) All is well, so then I offer to rig another boat. This time however, I'm given no instruction and just left to my own devices. So I'm talking to God, asking Him how I just got myself into rigging a boat by myself and praying that no one dies or is injured due to this and He reminds me things to do. So I only forgot 4 things from getting the sails to docking and raising the sails... not bad.

So I'm rushing home to shower for my graduation party (which I was exactly on time for!) and God asks me, "Why do you think you can't do anything?" Hmm, well, umm, hmmm. So then I start to realize all these things God is teaching me through the Sailing Club. I'm reminded that I enjoy being challenged. I'm completely out of my comfort zone and hate talking to strangers. With practice, I can tie knots... and I passed my test. And I might even be capable of learning a small amount of physics too. God was also teaching me about competition in a few ways. Like I realized if I was competitive (or perhaps a "J") I would actually feel compelled to get things checked off my ratings list, which I really don't. (The ratings list is the what qualifies you to take a boat out by yourself, but I don't want to go by myself...) And perhaps part of the reason I don't like competition is I don't feel competent. Which is also the reason it seems that I'm hyper-apologetic. I'm apologizing to you for my incompetence so you won't get mad and leave me. How's that for a revelation. So perhaps I don't push myself like I could.

So all that to say (which I realize was a lot) brings me to my title. Another friend on Friday said he was worried about me and thinks I'm longing for adventure, but searching for it in the wrong places. I had never considered myself an adventurous person, but maybe I am after all. So with this in mind, I can get more excited about checking things off my ratings list, because then I will be able to skipper a boat and be at sea :)

"Well I've only known you less than a year..."

I seem to have this effect on people. Where somehow you think/feel you've known me longer than you really have despite it being perhaps a year... or less. A friend I met last summer asked me today if we had that conversation in the summer of 08 or 09... well I didn't know her til 09... Her response upon me pointing this out? "Good grief." Yes, I know... time flies when you're introspecting. Maybe because I'm always with myself, and all I feel I know all my friends well, I guess I take my relational style for granted. Today we packed up some friends we met a year and a half ago. They are moving back to Knoxville. Shaun and I being the expert movers and packers that we (only due to practice) got everything to fit that needed to fit... with room to spare. We had dinner at the Zingerman's Roadhouse where I fell in love w/their sweet potato fries! (Honey, can you make me this?) And per usual, it didn't hit me that they were moving until we got ready to hug good-bye. That's when it always hits me... that this will be our last hug for a long while. I've enjoyed getting to know them, and I really like her pursuit of adventure. )She was very proud of me for passing my "Knots Test" for sailing!) I hate good-byes... they never feel fair.

Graduation Party!

I had my graduation party today. I combined many folks that haven't met and don't normally spend time together as I know them from different spheres. They all mingled and got along extremely well. Shaun made the antipasti platter complete w/yummy cured meats, marinated olives, cheese and baguettes... and of course, a cake complete with a cap and scroll! I had such an amazing time. I didn't escape to the kitchen to do dishes. I didn't spontaneously start cleaning up. In fact, when it came time for the last guest to leave, he asked if we wanted help cleaning up... and I confessed I hadn't given clean-up a second thought! It was such a joy and a blessing to have many of my favorite people all in one room together.

So, as a recent seminary graduate I'm realizing that I do thrive on chaos after all. I like to be challenged and I really am an extrovert.

I Stand at the Door By Sam Shoemaker

I stand by the door.
I neither go to far in, nor stay to far out.
The door is the most important door in the world -
It is the door through which men walk when they find God.
There is no use my going way inside and staying there,
When so many are still outside and they, as much as I,
Crave to know where the door is.
And all that so many ever find
Is only the wall where the door ought to be.
They creep along the wall like blind men,
With outstretched, groping hands,
Feeling for a door, knowing there must be a door,
Yet they never find it.
So I stand by the door.

The most tremendous thing in the world
Is for men to find that door - the door to God.
The most important thing that any man can do
Is to take hold of one of those blind, groping hands
And put it on the latch - the latch that only clicks
And opens to the man's own touch.

Men die outside the door, as starving beggars die
On cold nights in cruel cities in the dead of winter.
Die for want of what is within their grasp.
They live on the other side of it - live because they have not found it.

Nothing else matters compared to helping them find it,
And open it, and walk in, and find Him.
So I stand by the door.

Go in great saints; go all the way in -
Go way down into the cavernous cellars,
And way up into the spacious attics.
It is a vast, roomy house, this house where God is.
Go into the deepest of hidden casements,
Of withdrawal, of silence, of sainthood.
Some must inhabit those inner rooms
And know the depths and heights of God,
And call outside to the rest of us how wonderful it is.
Sometimes I take a deeper look in.
Sometimes venture in a little farther,
But my place seems closer to the opening.
So I stand by the door.

There is another reason why I stand there.
Some people get part way in and become afraid
Lest God and the zeal of His house devour them;
For God is so very great and asks all of us.
And these people feel a cosmic claustrophobia
And want to get out. 'Let me out!' they cry.
And the people way inside only terrify them more.
Somebody must be by the door to tell them that they are spoiled.
For the old life, they have seen too much:
One taste of God and nothing but God will do any more.
Somebody must be watching for the frightened
Who seek to sneak out just where they came in,
To tell them how much better it is inside.
The people too far in do not see how near these are
To leaving - preoccupied with the wonder of it all.
Somebody must watch for those who have entered the door
But would like to run away. So for them too,
I stand by the door.

I admire the people who go way in.
But I wish they would not forget how it was
Before they got in. Then they would be able to help
The people who have not yet even found the door.
Or the people who want to run away again from God.
You can go in too deeply and stay in too long
And forget the people outside the door.
As for me, I shall take my old accustomed place,
Near enough to God to hear Him and know He is there,
But not so far from men as not to hear them,
And remember they are there too.

Where? Outside the door -
Thousands of them. Millions of them.
But - more important for me -
One of them, two of them, ten of them.
Whose hands I am intended to put on the latch.
So I shall stand by the door and wait
For those who seek it.
I had rather be a door-keeper
So I stand by the door.

Things I was thinking about...

Beth Moore in "Breaking Free" gives us 5 thgs that are our birth right:
1) To know God and believe Him
2) To glorify God
3) To find satisfaction in God
4) To expc God's peace
5) To enjoy God's presence

Then gives 5 obstacles that prevent these from happening
1. Unbelief
2. Pride
3. Idolatry
4. Prayerlessness
5. Legalism

She later says, "If our liberty in Christ is going to be a reality in life, we are going to have to learn to walk in the freedom of Christ, independent of everyone else we know." Of course we need to rely on the BODY of Christ to help us so we can glorify Him together. She asked us what areas of captivity we had been set free from already. So I realized that I have been freed from the bondages of lying, insecurity, judgmentalness. How exciting is that?! Beth also says, "God hears the cry of the oppressed. He even hears the cries of those whose oppression is a result of sin and rebellion." Life is way too short for me to feel sorry for myself because of my sin because there is life and freedom through what God did.

I was really struck by the Heb word "aman" meaning to be firm, enduring, to trust and I asked myself how I had found Him to be faithful and trustworthy. His Word says He is, answers to prayer and that He tells me to trust Him when I'm struggling. Words to think about today for sure.

Couintry Songs I Like

The list is growing... here's the latest additions:

Trace Adkins "You're gonna miss this" - I love the lyrics to this one. It's so true, yet sometimes I'm glad it's over b/c I love where I'm at too.

Kenny Chesney "Dont Blink" - Wow, really like this and the lyrics are so true!

Jason Aldean "Amarillo Sky" - Hmm, makes me realize that G.A.P. & He gives us everything we need.

Tim McGraw "Live like you were dying" - This is very cool!

Josh Turner "Would you go with me" - This is a super fun song... so cute :)

"Not knowing what shall befall me there." --Acts 20:22

I KNOW not what will befall me: God hangs a mist o’er my eyes;
And thus, each step of my onward path,
He makes new scenes arise.
And every joy He sends to me comes like a sweet surprise.

I see not a step before me as I tread on another year;
But I’ve left the past in God’s keeping,—the future His mercy shall clear.
And what looks dark in the distance may brighten as I draw near.

For perhaps the dreaded future is less bitter than I think;
The Lord may sweeten the waters before I stoop to drink.
Or, if Marah must be Marah, He will stand beside its brink. It may be He keeps waiting, for the coming of my feet.

Some gift of such rare blessedness, some joy so strangely sweet,
That my lips shall only tremble with the thanks they cannot speak.
O restful, blissful ignorance! ’tis blessëd not to know;
It keeps me still in those mighty Arms which will not let me go,
And lulls my weariness to rest on the Bosom that loves me so.

So I go on not knowing,—I would not if I might;
I would rather walk in the dark with God than go alone in the light;
I would rather walk with Him by faith than walk alone by sight.

My heart shrinks back from trials which the future may disclose,
Yet I never had sorrow but what the dear Lord chose;
So I send the coming tears back with the whispered words, “He knows.”

--Mary Gardiner Brainard

Quote for the day

"Have you ever been in love? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore." -Neil Gaiman

I can't imagine my life not being impacted by those whom I love. However, sometimes I feel as though my life would be better off without all these divots on my heart where those that got in did damage. Sometimes I invited them there, and other just appeared, or got in by force. The feeling is the same. You touched my heart. You reworked part of it. My life got messier as a result. Divots are impressions on the soul. Once they are there, you are never the same afterward. I am forever changed by your love.

Favorite Quotes

"No one ever poses hypotheticals for things that turn out well." - Me

"Adrianne, superficial conversation is your kryptonite." - Jennifer Jones

"Rare is the person that is ready for your level of engagement." - Dr. Shaun Clarke

"It's an ironic thing, trust. You need it to become intimate, but trust comes from intimacy." - Andrew Ward

"If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe

"Never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt. If you never get hurt, you always have fun." Miss Penny Lane

"Speak the Lord's truth even when your voice shakes and I think He will provide the strength to carry your voice, A." - Jennifer Jones

Satan deceives us in saying, "You are not really sinning; You can never change; and You will not be happy if you leave this lifestyle." - Dee Brestin

"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick...I desire mercy, not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." - Jesus

"God can't use a person to the maximum until he or she has been deeply hurt." - A.W. Tozer

Happiness isn't something you experience, it's something you remember. - Oscar Levant

"Sin will take you farther than you wanted to go, keep you longer than you wanted to stay and cost you more than you thought you'd pay." - Kay Arthur

It's not what happens to us that matters, but what happens in us.

"Women are like tea bags. Put them in hot water and their true strength emerges." "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"The only truths that eventually grip Christians at the core of their being are the truths by which they consistently live." - Larry Crabb

Words by Charles Wesley

"If DEATH my friend and me divide,
tho dost not, Lord, my sorrow chide,
or frown my tears to see;
restrained from passionate excess,
thou bidst me mourn in clam distress
for that rest in thee.

I feel a strong immortal hope,
which bears my mournful spirit up,
beneath its mountain load;
redeemed from death, and grief, and pain,
I soon shall find my friend again
within the arms of God.

Pass a few fleeting moments more
and death the blessing shall restore
which death has snatched away;
for me tho wilt the summons send,
and give me back my parted friend
in that eternal day."

God is a God of Beauty

The sermon this morning was titled "God is a God of beauty." His main points were God makes things to enjoy them; He's not just a utilitarian. Things, people have instrinic beauty, and are not just beautiful because someone says so (i.e. "beauty is in the eye of the beholder). This of course means... well, that I have intrinsic beauty...

I've been struggling lately with some concepts. Concepts like, you might actually like me as a person, or be attracted to my heart, or heaven forbid, enjoy me. You might not be spending time with me just because I'm useful to you or because you want to use me. Not everyone may have received the script to abuse me, reject me and abandon me. God has placed me in MI where people aren't doing this. People are trying to care for me on an entirely different level that has made me wish I had to move out of state yet again. It's only exposed that I don't know how to receive care. My friend CD tonight said this, "ur heart is the most beautiful thing about u.... ur an amazing person." My friend, BC said, "God created you that way... and in Christ your heart is perfect and pure." It's easy for me to dismiss this comments usually with thoughts like "it's all Him" and "I have no righteousness of my own." BC said, "it is... but He chose to give it to you." So if I have His... then I have some...which only sent me into a panicked state.

I realized that I've bought into the idea in the current evangelical church that says beauty is expendable, not needed to the point that frugality equals righteousness. I still have the mindset that I make 18K/yr... while I see money as merely a tool for God's kingdom and not just to acquire stuff, I think I've taken it too far. Not only have I tied in my own value (or beauty) into my worth I've now tied others worth to their usefulness, including stewardship of money, time, resources, gifts. I try to use "mine" to the fullest... but I never just enjoy beauty, because to enjoy something is to enjoy it at it's core, it's being, it's intrinsic value. I don't know if I can do that because I don't see my own intrinsic value.

Rev. 3:16 "So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth" has been coming up nearly daily since June 24th at the Rise Against concert. God has been showing me all the things I'm "lukewarm" about. I was thinking about my body, how I don't love it or hate it, it's just kinda there to help me do things. But J/CR pointed out tonight that we will have this body in Heaven, not a body we don't recognize... and everything we do here is preparing us for Heaven including what we do to our bodies. So, if I don't use my creativity here, then I won't be given creative tasks in Heaven; if I don't take care of my body here it will be reflected in Heaven. What we do here does matter. It's not all futile, but I've been living in part as if that were true. It's like gnosticism...

So, I'm not sure where these musings will lead me next, but I'm buckled in to find out.

Random & Sporadic

Warning: Many thoughts that don't connect.

1) I have 5 weddings to attend this year... wedding madness is in the air. Oh the sweet aroma. Stef and I reminisced today about how much we hated wedding planning and talking about all the "if's" of what we could do differently now. I'm hoping all my bride and grooms to be have an easier go at it then us :)

2) Two more friends have announced their pregnancy - and to my excitement, I was elated! I held my friend's newborn at the retreat and just loved it. And loved handing him back for a full night's sleep. God is good.

3) I got another email from a testimony listener today - it was incredibly thoughtful. I feel overwhelming encouragement. This makes my 9th email. I decided to create a gDoc to store all these emails and save them for future encouragement when I get down about my ministry.

4) While contemplating my testimony a couple weeks ago I stumbled across this quote from a friend (DM's) page and I'm still in awe by how it penetrates my soul:
"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them-words shrink things that seemed limitless in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. ……The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried....... And you make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear…."

5) Beth Moore says, "God hears the cry of the oppressed. He even hears the cries of those whose oppression is a result of sin and rebellion." My friend Jess said life is too short to feel sorry for yourself and that there's freedom in what God did. Indeed. I was really struck by the Heb word "aman" means to be firm, enduring, to trust. I asked myself how I had found Him to be faithful and trustworthy. His Word says He is, answers to prayer and that He tells me to trust Him when I'm struggling. Then I came across Hab 3:2: Lord, I have heard of your fame, I stand in awe of your deeds, O Lord. Renew them in our day, in our time make them known. (Which I think ties in nicely with my post from yesterday.)

6) There are only 6 weeks left in my semester - how did that happen? I need to write more!

7) I'm struggling with how to talk to a . . . person, acquaintance, casual friend. I'm feeling led to talk to him, but feeling he's totally uninteresting. And sense he feels the same way towards me. Maybe God will chose to use someone instead...

2009 Knox Women's Retreat

So I attended the women's retreat with our church last weekend. I was on the planning committee, so I was pretty busy the whole time, but I'm glad I went. I walked away with a few thoughts I wanting to share, some questions to ponder and of course, some God moments...

Friday night was interesting in that I got there, all settled in, and it wasn't really hectic. I realized that I hadn't really thought about the fact that I was there to spend some alone time with God. I had been so busy writing 2 papers, taking a mid-term in Trinitarianism and taking a quiz that I hadn't mentally prepared to be there. I started talking with my friend Deb at the registration table as we were getting the ladies checked in and settled. I realized how much I enjoy working with the women at Knox and how much I love serving these women. Annherst spoke that night about Christian friendships and community. I had to laugh because I kept thinking that she was saying everything that I always say! It was great to be reaffirmed about intentional, transparent relationships. We ended the session and I had organized a spa night for the ladies. My massage therapist friend came and gave 10 minute massages, and I had a hand and nail stations set up for them to dip, scrub and rub and then I painted their nails. It went over so well. (Ya know you don't hear about men doing a spa night at their retreats!) Then Jenny and I had an amazing chat at the hot tub awaiting our call from Andy and Laura - as he was proposing. So my best friend got engaged... so stoked!!

Saturday I was awoken way to early... and of course, that means like before 10am :) It was indeed 8am. Diane spoke in the morn from John 15. There's an intimacy in John's Gospel - an intimacy He wants with us, so much, that He gave us His word, and asked us to abide in Him. When you see a vineyard you can be surprised how much has to be lobbed off in order for the vine to bear fruit the next season. We can be lobbed in actions, words or in our heart. But abiding doesn't mean that we're busy bearing fruit all the time, because by root, abiding happens in Him and is more of a static word. And when the roots are the most deep are when Jesus needs to uproot us the most. (No wonder I had to live in three states in one year...) Abiding is more about patience, steadfastness and perseverance. By acting like shriveled branches we are depriving ourselves of the most deep love that's offered in Christ. We will be amazed at the fruit on the branches. Take the promises off the shelf and start believing in what He can do and then ask Him for them.

We had personal quiet time... which was most interesting. I basically realized that I need to be expecting more from Him... more on this later. We broke up into discussion groups and I decided if the group I was leading had a lull I would ask them this additional question: What have you been avoiding that God is calling you to do and what steps can you make towards obedience as you leave the retreat? There was indeed a lull, and I got some interesting responses to my question. I saw a theme in my group - women not believing that we are told that we will do greater things than He. The evening testimony had me tears. Eileen spoke of living in a foreign land for 13 yrs and touched my heart with her statement about how you can be so lonely in a crowd of people. Her heart for community and people is not unlike mine. I realized that I too find myself with that feeling often... perhaps because I don't allow others to minister to me in the way I insist on ministering to them. Sufficed to say, an amazing intercessory prayer time and more awesome convos later - it was bed time.

Sunday's talk was good. But I was still mulling over the thoughts from the night before. I've been contemplating the following since my return...

How much of my ministry am I trying to do in the Flesh instead of in Him? Are Jesus' words penetrating me to the point of wanting to ask Him for things?

GISF = God is so fun!!!

God is so good to me... I shared my testimony at church a little over a week ago now. My small group and prayer warriors have been praying about it for nearly three months and then it was here! I couldn't believe how surreal it was to be that open in front of that many people. Jenn had a crazy week so we couldn't really process like we usually do because we were processing only her craziness... and everyone seemed tied up! It was wild. Jenn said as I was getting ready to head to church that maybe I wasn't supposed to think about it too much, but just let Holy Spirit lead it and do it. So that's what happened and WOW! It was so fruitful just as God said it would be! We had 10 people come up for prayer and countless women came to share how my story had touched them! Yay God! I've even had people following up with me the last two Sundays after church talking to me about it. It's simply incredible! I pray God continues to use me and my story for His kingdom!!!

Preggo?! What else is new...

OK... so I always told myself I would never become one of those bitter women who no longer lept for joy at the news of her friends announcing their pregnancy. How selfish I thought they sounded. Of course, logically, I realize God's in control, having a baby right now would be hideous timing, and not to mention extremely costly to my school and home life. But there's nothing rational about having a baby...

Since December 2007 we've perpetually had 12 friends pregnant. As soon as one gives birth, another friend pops up within a week to announce her news. We even had one friend miscarry and still had a 'replacement.' Sigh. We had friends tell us today they are expecting. And I didn't jump up and down, start clapping, or spring to the phone to squeal my excitement. And then it hit me - I've become one of THEM! Oh my. I don't know how this happened. When I stopped believing in my heart and only with my head. But I'm praying this too will pass and I can be filled with joy for the new blessing that will be entering our lives.